Tales from the Trenches: On Being a “Good Enough” Mother

” … it is in these moments that children are given opportunities to feel more fully alive and able to take on the world.”

By Sabrina Connell | Twitter: @sabrinaconnell

Our daughter was a difficult and colicky baby. She could rage for hours with a force so fierce that none of our neighbors could escape it.  She had to be held and bounced so often that I’d find myself bouncing any time I stood still, even without her in my arms. Empty-handed and waiting at the crosswalk of a busy intersection, I’d catch myself quietly bouncing.

The older she grew, the less I had to bounce and the slower I ran toward her every whimper. As years went by, the time she required being held or attended to gradually dwindled. I could finally eat hot meals, take longer showers and use the bathroom without interruption (most of the time).  Now, much to my own disbelief at the pace of passing time, I have an imaginative seven-year-old with a tendency to disappear to her room for hours, constructing stories and worlds with a carefully selected assortment of Polly Pockets, Legos, toilet paper rolls and the like.

The pattern is a familiar one to most mothers. The early years of parenting can be so demanding, overwhelming and awe-inspiring all at once. Stripped of our energy, we often question whether or not we’re good enough at what we do.

One of my favorite concepts in the study of child development is that of the “good enough” mother, articulated by British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott (1896-1971). Winnicott considered the good enough mother to be one that nearly completely meets the needs of her infant early on and gradually provides her child with more and more space to work on his or her frustrations, wishes, and needs as he or she develops the capacity to manage such feelings. Rather than being the perfect mother that cushions every single fall, corrects every mistake and shields her child from any disappointment, the good enough mother aims for a gradual loosening without dropping of her child; an easing into a space of autonomy.

When we respond in a manner that is good enough (rather than perfect), our child still feels some sense of control and trust because of the countless times we have come to his or her aid before. In such moments (when we don’t perfectly grant their wish by appearing the instant they call, for example), our little one might experience a sense of vulnerability and perhaps even slight isolation. It is in these uncomfortable and vulnerable moments of frustration that children look around, consider their options and act. Winnicott believed that it is in these moments that children are given opportunities to feel more fully alive and able to take on the world.

Think about a moment in your own life when you solved a problem and how empowering that was. Such moments spur development forward. The more children figure things out on their own, the more capable they feel about tackling other challenges.  The good enough mother aims to nurture her child with a gentle, repetitive holding rather than an all-engulfing squeeze.

In this sense, God parents us in a similar way. None of us lives a life void of pain, longing or disappointment, even though God in His omnipotence could make it so. We all experience moments of vulnerability, isolation and frustration. It is what we do with those moments that make us more fully alive.

A thoughtful reflection of this tension between ourselves and the Spirit can be found in the movie Evan Almighty when God (played by Morgan Freeman) says:

“If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”

We can all relax a bit and let go of the desire to be a perfect mother. In doing so, we allow our children opportunities to become their own creative, driven, inspiring individuals. As my friend and now fellow SheLoves contributor Kelley Johnson-Nikondeha once articulated to me so beautifully, Sometimes our weaknesses can allow our children to cultivate their own strengths.

Being “good enough” can offer freedom to mothers and their children.

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 I’d love to hear your thoughts:

• Do you strive to be the perfect mother?  How might you re-calibrate your own expectations for yourself and your role as a mother?
• Can you think of a moment where your child had an opportunity to discover something new within him- or herself?

About Sabrina:

An artist-turned-academic, Sabrina spends her days navigating between a wide variety of roles including that of mother, wife, graduate student, researcher and daydreamer. She is currently a doctoral student in the Communication Studies program at Northwestern University where she researches the various ways in which children and parents engage media and technology and the potential effects these interactions might have on the development of children. Prior to her time at Northwestern, Sabrina earned a Master’s degree in child development from Tufts University, as well as a Master of Arts in puppetry from the University of Connecticut.  She has a passion for all things involving play, whimsy and the art of nurturing.