Wednesday Wellness: An Apology to Myself

Sometimes the person we are least kind to, is ourself.

By Natasha Files | Twitter: @NatashaFiles

I would be lying if I said my life in small town Dawson is inspiring. My current highlight is the new Browns Social House which I have been to three times in five days and not because I have a thriving social life. Nope, it’s just because the shiny gold chandeliers remind me of home.

Today my chandelier-admiring companions were a couple of friends who agreed to drinks and appies after work. Amidst the bustle of perfectly groomed waitresses delivering yam fries and bellinis, I was challenged to evaluate my present state of comfort.

Now I know I said my life is less than inspiring, but what I didn’t tell you is this: I feel like I am losing my sparkle and becoming overly comfortable. To some people comfort is very positive, but in my world it usually triggers alarms that caution an oncoming battle. (If you have children you can probably relate this to times when things suddenly get really quiet, ie. the calm before the storm.)

Conversations

You can label me a little “weird” or “crazy” for admitting this, but when I am working through personal issues, it’s almost a guarantee that I have conversations with myself while randomly throwing out encouragements like, “Go team, we have SO got this!”

Today was no different. (I will ease your awkwardness by saying I waited until I returned home from Browns before throwing out the cheers) as I began tearing away the layers of my unease.

The cause of my tarnishing? Apathy and selective ignorance. They dared me to poke at them as I worked through the reasons for their existence. It seems that in my state of uninspired comfort I have allowed my soul to ignore the cries of my spirit. Instead of acknowledging my troubles I chose to pretend they ceased to exist. In fact, I took on the belief that I had never encountered said troubles and; therefore, had no need to offer them up to the Lord. Can I get a P-R-I-D-E?

Grosse.

Noticing my Need

As I slowly unpackaged the issues I discovered another root: shame. Because of my fears I had neglected to offer things up to the Lord and a natural consequence was a decreased spike in self-compassion. How can you give yourself an extra dose of love when you neglect to notice the need? The areas that were impacted these past few days: my mood dropped and I started wearing a fake smile, my sleep cycle suffered as my anxiety increased, my relationships ceased to flourish as my genuineness decreased, my eating and exercise reflected my inner confusion, my energy dropped and I became exhausted from all of the above. All from a little bit of apathy.

After repenting and praying for wisdom to avoid future reoccurrences, it was highlighted that my recent struggle also impacted the personal relationship I have with myself. (I wrote a past article about having a personal relationship with yourself, but bear with me if this concept is new.) Last night a friend texted me a quote that read along the lines of: “Be patient with me because God’s not finished with me yet and God doesn’t make garbage.” After my recent little personal therapy session my perspective has changed. Do I have the same amount of patience for myself as I do for others? Unfortunately, not yet … no I don’t.

Learning from this little blip, I made a point to acknowledge this shortcoming through writing an apology letter to myself. I would feel horrible if a friend were struggling and I apathetically ignored her, so why not offer the same condolences to myself? I believe that God has created each of us with a beautiful destiny, so what right do I have to disqualify myself when large parts of me are still running the race? Below is my letter and it may seem weird, but I am telling you, self-compassion has changed my approach to life!

**getting vulnerable**

My love,
I am so sorry that I watched you jump in the deep-end then turned my back when I knew you couldn’t swim. A little part of me knew you needed to offer these struggles to your Maker, but instead of praying for healing, I judgmentally yelled for you to be quiet. You deserve the freedom that was paid for on the cross and I had no right to deny you an opportunity to receive it.

I love you. I believe in you. I value you. We are a team and I need you to yell when I am not listening.
Mwchaa,
Natasha xo

I would love to hear about your experiences:

1. If you were writing a letter of apology to yourself today, what would you say? Feel free to use the space below. You are worth it
2. What do you do when you notice personal incongruence? Which strategies and cheers work for you?

About Natasha:
Natasha Files is Case Manager with a Mental Health and Addictions Team. She has experience working with youth and adults struggling with a variety of life-controlling issues and she specializes in eating disorders. Natasha’s passion for mental wellness began when she personally experienced the impact of a genuinely caring professional. That passion is paired with a love of espresso, only to be overshadowed by her desire to see women set free from life-controlling issues.

Image credit: Little pencil, by D. Sharon Pruitt