I Still Choose Faith

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He will give you the desires of your heart, says the Bible. But what if my desires haven’t been fulfilled?

By Kerstin Knaack | Twitter: @KerstinKnaack

On February 15th of this year I stepped out of my comfort zone and told the SheLoves community of readers I was pregnant. I felt afraid, having experienced the loss of three babies, including one full-term. It took great courage to tell the world about my pregnancy, but I also knew that the people around me would be there to hold me should anything bad happen.

It did.

Soon after I wrote that article my husband Rainer and I went for our first ultrasound appointment, an event that has become quite the challenge for me. I have seen too many dead babies and too many uncomfortable looks on doctors’ faces.

Lifeless

I hoped to see a baby, but instead saw two empty amniotic sacs. No child, no heartbeat.

The doctor offered words of hope, “It may just be too early to see anything,” but he also had to deliver the more likely truth, “It is probably another miscarriage.”

I left the clinic with tears falling down my cheeks, crying out to God:

“Why can’t I have an uncomplicated pregnancy like so many other women?”

The next step was to check my pregnancy hormone levels. I would take three blood tests; one every 48 hours. If my hormone levels increased, the pregnancy was viable; if they declined, I would have to face the reality of another miscarriage.

For a week my emotions were all over the place, then finally we received the results: my hormone levels had dropped. I couldn’t accept it. Everything inside me told me I was still pregnant: I regularly threw up and my breasts and belly were growing.

My midwife transferred me to a gynecologist. The day I went, I couldn’t even button up my pants. But the appointment was sobering. The doctor had a look at the ultrasound and the results of my hormone test. He confirmed a miscarriage and offered two possibilities: either I start the miscarriage by taking medication or I go to the hospital for a D&C.

As long as I felt pregnant, I wasn’t able to give up and accept a fourth miscarriage, and neither was my husband Rainer. God is a miracle worker; why not through me?

We explained to the doctor that we still had hope, that as long as my body continued to show signs of pregnancy, we would be praying for a miracle. The doctor was kind but we could tell from his body language he thought we were crazy.

Holding on

For the next few weeks I was carried by my husband and the amazing women from my church. They stood with me and prayed for a miracle. Some days I was convinced that God would fulfill my desires for a baby—other days I doubted God.

Throughout it all I held onto this scripture:

“Do not, therefore, fling away your fearless confidence, for it carries a great and glorious compensation of reward. For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away what is promised.” -Hebrews 10: 35-36

My faith was put to the test once more and my relationship with God hung by a thread.

On March 16th, we had another ultrasound appointment. We clung to blind faith, but the result was shattering. No baby.

This kind of miscarriage is called a blighted ovum. I had never heard of it before. The body continues to believe there is a pregnancy, but the baby doesn’t grow. This often lasts for a few weeks until the body realizes the fetus is no longer alive. My body seemed to need months for this process.

I will never forget that week. In the space of seven days my mother in law passed away, we lost our fourth child and we discovered a flood in our new apartment when we came home from the ultrasound appointment.

Why does God allow so many heartbreaking situations in my life? What lesson do I to learn? Why doesn’t God fulfill the desires of my heart? These questions battered my mind until I was no longer willing to pray to such a “bad father in Heaven.”

But the more I wasn’t in relationship with God, the worse things became. I searched for something to help and found this passage from Deuteronomy 30:19-20:

“Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life.”

This scripture was my wake-up call. The key to life is actually a choice and not a feeling. Yes, I was hurt and angry, but I realized I couldn’t base my life, and moreover my faith, on my feelings.

It took several more weeks for me to be in a place where I could make the choice to turn back to God in faith. And as soon I began to pray again, He was able to heal my heart and carry me through the pain.

It is a choice to trust God. I still have no child but God knows all the plans for my life and God’s plans are still good. In a world full of suffering, I need to make the choice to trust God in every situation.

________________________

Dear SheLoves sisters, I’d love to know:

  • Have you ever felt like you were holding on to your relationship with God by a thread?
  • Were you able to trust God again?

___________________________

Image copyright: ta_samaya — fotolia.com

About Kerstin:

Kerstin Knaack was born and raised in the city of Kirchheim/Teck, Germany. She and her husband Rainer are currently mentored by the senior pastors at Relate Church in Surrey, BC, where they are learning to be leaders and teachers in the areas of marriage, family and sexuality. Their vision is to teach and train on these topics and raise a large family of their own.

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