ShePonders: Adoption

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

“Abandonment gives way to belonging, vulnerability cedes to stability and an orphan becomes a daughter by a divine spark of redemptive goodness.” 

I remember a grade school assignment: Tell us who you are in ten sentences, each beginning with “I am.”  My first sentence: I am adopted. It is always the first sentence that surfaces when asked to describe or define myself. It is core to my self-understanding. Adoption grounds my story and at the same time is woven throughout each chapter in subtle and significant ways.

Every year, for about 40+ years now, we’ve celebrated my Adoption Day: the day my parents brought me home; the day we became a family.

For the past seven years we’ve celebrated another Adoption Day: the day we picked up our babies from the Rainbow Center; the day we became the next generation of family.  More than any earthly thing, adoption has shaped me in foundational and formative ways.

It is from this lived experience that adoption has become a holy word in my personal vocabulary of faith. To be adopted, to adopt–it does something in the deep places of your being.

I often hear people speak of adoption as a benevolent rescue operation, saving an unwanted child from a lesser quality of life or worse. Some sing of adoption as the solution for those with barren bodies yet pregnant hearts. Some cultures see adoption as an option, others a taboo.  Many people of faith see adoption as the ultimate gesture in orphan care. For my mother, it was antidote to infertility. For me, a call to rescue. But there is more gestating within me when it comes to grappling with the full implications of adoption.

When God set to work shaping a good society in the fertile land of Palestine, there was always the imperative to consider the most vulnerable:  the widows, orphans and immigrants. Whether it was leaving enough for them to glean in the field or ensuring justice for them, God never lost sight of their condition on the margins of local life. His insistence that they be included was not so much a call to charity or compassion, but a summons to see that these vulnerable ones remain part of the global human family even if locally displaced. I believe that His call to care is an invitation to see that every orphan remains a member of His family, and adoption becomes a way to reinstate them into a local family.

Adoption then becomes the physical sacrament that points to the deeper nature of family, the divine grace that allows us to recognize how large the human family is and that ultimately, every child is related to me.

There are those, and certainly in Africa this is true, who believe that your children must share in your genetic make-up. Your child must have your eyes, his father’s swift if awkward stride and that your DNA must be embedded in your child. Many people still believe that it is biology that makes you family. What adoption has taught me is that there is a larger family resemblance we all bear–we each carry the very image of God infused in our being, a divine DNA that binds us all in ways more profound than blood, tribe or color.

Biology does not make a family, belonging does. God’s antidote to the ache of abandonment is to create a community of belonging, a family. God continues create families through both biology and adoption to ensure all of us find a place to belong in His world.

Isn’t that a greater and more generous understanding of family? We are all members of the human family tree, connections that run across national borders, cultural boundaries and bloodlines.  Adoption reminds us of this truth when we see a child who needs to belong, and we reach across these man-made lines to create a family. We witness to the truth that we are all of the same family.

But there is another reason that adoption is sacramental for me. Adoption is chock full of redemptive energy, from the first inclination to welcome a child into your home to each subsequent day of shared meals, school drop-offs and pick ups, quelled nightmares and family celebrations.  When a new family embraces a child, a redeeming act has occurred. Abandonment gives way to belonging, vulnerability cedes to stability and an orphan becomes a daughter by a divine spark of redemptive goodness. With every Adoption Day celebrated, there is the reminder that redemption is the thread wonderfully woven through each season of life. We have been rescued, reclaimed and relocated for a purpose, and with that deep awareness we go into the world as adopted ones, sirens of redemption in a world in need of such light.

I have always known that I was adopted; my parents gave me my story from the very beginning. This has laid a redemptive foundation for me; I know my life begins with a true rescue from the margins. I have always felt special, somehow, that I was born against the odds and wanted, when my story could have been otherwise. That has shaped my view of the world–I know real redemption happens and that it remains on offer by God’s grace.

And over the years, I think that redemptive energy has seeped deeper and deeper into my bones, into my soul. I seek out redemption all the time–in reconciled friendships, restoration of broken communities and how I find it natural to believe that God is actively restoring all things to Himself. I know it because He has done so with me in such a physical way through adoption. My eyes are trained to see redemption–where it is present and where it is needed. I’m sure it was only a matter of time before I followed in my mother’s footsteps and adopted my son and daughter, passing on the legacy of redemption, belonging and family.

Not so long ago there was a post written by an adoptive father about adoption. It was lovely. But in the end, he said adoption is always second best. He was pointing to the fact that first best is biological families; first best is a child never being orphaned. I get it. But my own history and heart I could not agree with his conclusion.

In my experience, adoption has never been second best. Adoption was God’s way of shaping two generations of my family, so rich with fidelity and wild with love. I just cannot agree that there is anything second rate about it.  I want to imagine a world without orphans, but I cannot imagine a world without adoption. Actually, I see each orphan as a family waiting to happen, each one an opportunity for a fresh dose of redemptive energy to be released into the world.

Our world cries out for repaired relationships, for deep acceptance, for connections that can reach across gulfs of difference. We live in a time when people need to learn how to forge abiding bonds in the face of tremendous hardness of heart, tribalism and fear of those unlike us. Who better to teach the world than the company of the adopted? We know what it is to be left out, brought in, and infused with redemption. We have this redemptive energy running through us that needs to be released into the world. We can demonstrate how to welcome, accept, create belonging across any divide. I believe that all those touched by adoption–parents and children and siblings–have something sacred to offer our world.

So, when I tell you that I am adopted, I am telling you that I belong.  I am telling you that I have this redemptive energy rattling around deep in my bones and that I want to be let loose in the world to witness to that deep truth that God redeems all the members of His family and can connect us beyond the fault lines we see. I belong to the Johnson family, my children belong to the Nikondeha family and we know how to create belonging. We are the company of the adopted.

_______________________

My dear SheLoves friends, I’d love to hear your comments and thoughts!

_______________________

Photo credit: Baby, by Joseph Hoban

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail
Kelley Nikondeha
Kelley is co-director and chief storyteller for Communities of Hope, a community development enterprise in Burundi. She is also the author of Adopted: The Sacrament of Belonging in a Fractured World (Eerdmans).
Kelley Nikondeha
Kelley Nikondeha

Latest posts by Kelley Nikondeha (see all)

Kelley Nikondeha
  • Orphaned adoptee

    I’m sitting here on the US West Coast at 5 a.m., reading this with tears streaming down my face. From God’s heart to your heart to my heart. This is exactly what I needed to hear in this season of my life.

    Thank you.

  • Kelley Johnson Nikondeha

    So glad we can connect at this early time in the morning, at a time your heart needed to be reminded that you are filled with redemptive energy that our world needs. No matter what our world says, God says you are and always have been His child, a member of His family. You belong…

  • I love you Kelley, and I’m glad we are sisters! Thank you for sharing your beautiful story!

    • Kelley Johnson Nikondeha

      I love you from Burundi and back! Wanting to do adoption some justice… I’ve waited a long time to try and give my own experience words. Thanks for hearing my story and sharing the journey forward with me!

  • Kaycee White

    Thank you Kelley for this! I think you know we are in the adoption process right now. This was such a good thing for me to hear from the adopted’s perspective. 🙂 I can’t wait to have our little boy and make him feel that he belongs and is wanted.

    • Kelley Johnson Nikondeha

      Kaycee, so excited that you and Nathan are entering the company of the adopted as parents! We need more families that understand redemption from the grassroots! Congrats… hope I can meet your new son when I come in November!

  • This is so beautiful Kelley. Thank you for sharing your words and your heart. I am so happy to have had the pleasure of meeting you and hearing a few of your examples of how you parent. You are a gift to this world 🙂 xoxo

  • Sarah Gski

    love this, amiga. love.

  • I love this post, my friend. I feel like I want to highlight every sentence and send it through the world. So so much I want to learn here and think on …

    And this wants me to get up and cheer–loudly: ” I am telling you that I have this redemptive energy rattling around deep in my bones and that I want to be let loose in the world to witness to that deep truth that God redeems all the members of His family and can connect us beyond the fault lines we see.”

  • Nicole Joshua

    Kelley. I am stunned into silence by the beauty of how and what you have written. You know how profound this is for me because you know this part of my heart. The best thing for me to say is thank you! You are such a gift to me and to the world. Love you Kelley. Nicole

    • Kelley Johnson Nikondeha

      Thank you, Nicole. I know your heart… and pray we can continue the conversation as our stories move forward in the seasons to come. I believe that you also know how to create belonging for others!

  • Colleen

    Kelley,

    Thank you for putting into words what so many of us blessed, first-choice, adoptive families have tried to explain for so very long! Your article was perhaps one of the truest and most beautiful explanations of what it means to adopt, and I imagine, be adopted. My son is my life’s greatest blessing – and it’s an awesome thing to imagine that, someday, he might consider my adopting him his greatest blessing!

    • Kelley Johnson Nikondeha

      Colleen,
      well this was only 43 years in the making, living into the adoptive experience and trying to articulate it! I just was a bit saddened (and provoked) by those saying adoption creates second-string parents and second-choice families, when I have always felt that something holier was afoot! When I learned that I was not rejected, but in fact redeemed it really became a foundational underpinning for my life and relationships. I pray your son will feel that redemptive energy infused throughout his life and release that goodness into this world! (and thanks for writing, your encouragement really came at the right time!)

  • I have read this post more than once a day since it was posted! Eventually, I printed a copy to carry with me. I couldn’t and still can’t get enough of this post. It makes me cry – big, Donald-Duck-Tears – and at the same time it fills a place of nothingness, it speaks to questions deep in my soul and it brings life to my barren belly! This post and the one you wrote: Black and Beautiful, frequent my heart daily.

    Whenever I bump into people that I haven’t seen in years or when I’m introduced to new people – I feel like someone at an AA meeting. Hi, my name is Neritia and I am infertile. Your post has opened a deep scar in my heart that I hide behind a matter-of-fact-attitude. An attitude that sucks and truth be told only once I read this post on ADOPTION for the zillionth time did the penny drop for me. I have been defining myself as infertile, barren, empty…unproductive since the Doctor broke the news. The effect of his words concealed behind a brave face and a straight back.

    “I often hear people speak of adoption as a benevolent rescue operation, saving an unwanted child from a lesser quality of life or worse. Some sing of adoption as the solution for those with barren bodies yet pregnant hearts. Some cultures see adoption as an option, others a taboo. Many people of faith see adoption as the ultimate gesture in orphan care.”

    For me, who biologically cannot have her own, the above four sentences embody most of what my heart rejected the day the Doctor said “buy an egg”! Obviously there’s way more to it than just these sentences (for me that is). But my heart doesn’t want an egg – my heart wants a family, my heart wants the “redemptive energy” of creating space for those who might just belong with us.

    Thank you for writing this post Kelley – I need to work through way more than I realised. Your beautiful words unlocked this part of my heart…I am grateful – I think!

    • Kelley Johnson Nikondeha

      Neritia~ thank you for sharing so honestly what is happening in your heart, behind the matter-of-factness. I am imagining your pregnant heart, ready to create belonging, ready to birth a family. God shapes our families in various ways, and all I can say from experience is that adoption made me whole, made me belong and then made me a mother, too. Adoption was the sacrament God chose for me, a holy one. I grieve with you over the doctor’s verdict about your body, but I know that creating a family is still within the realm of possibility because God is at work. Again, I sense such a pregnant heart. (this can be just the beginning of our conversation, feel free to connect as your journey unfolds)

  • kali

    Kelly, I am a birth mom/ first mom what ever you wanna call me I love the term birth mom though.
    Have you ever wanted to meet your birth family? I only ask because my birth son has AMAZING parents whom seem like your parents, anyway I know that every one is diff. But I feel like if you met your birth family then there’s hope that he will too. Your story touches my heart by the way.

  • Pingback: Thoughtful Links: 7/3/15 @ Like Me Like You Kids()

  • Pingback: Adopted: The Sacrament of Belonging in a Fractured World + GIVEAWAY - SheLoves Magazine()