Down We Go: We Belong

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“In fact, it seems like so many of us—when we are really honest—struggle with belonging.”
Feb_KathyEver since I was a young girl, I have had a lot of friends. If you were looking at me from the outside, you would say that I was a secure, confident person who didn’t have any trouble fitting in, that I definitely “belonged.”

That’s what you saw on the outside.

And looks can be deceiving.

Inside, I never felt really free and connected. I had voices in my head raging loudly, saying things like:

“If they really knew you, they wouldn’t like you.”
“If you tell them the truth, they’ll reject you.”
“You’re too much”
“You’re not enough.”
“You should be more funny, wise, biblically savvy, quiet, articulate, more ________ (just about any descriptor you can think of) and then they’ll like you more.”

I always resonate with what the writer Anne Lamott says, “Sometimes my mind is a bad neighborhood. You don’t want to go in there alone.”

The noise in my head used to keep me separated from others in the groups I was part of. Sure, I might have been there physically, but my heart and soul was usually in another place—trying to somehow make myself less or more than I really was, sure that they all belonged but I didn’t.

The end result—I never really belonged.

I never felt comfortable in my skin.

I never felt part in the way I deeply longed for.

When I talk to other people and they share their true feelings about groups, churches, and communities they are part of, I have learned that I am definitely not alone in this “I don’t belong” feeling. In fact, it seems like so many of us—when we are really honest—struggle with belonging.

We desperately want to be part, to feel safe and solid in our own skin with other women and men, but often that feeling remains elusive and we aren’t quite sure what to do about it.

So a lot of us just keep faking it, showing up and looking like we belong when we really don’t feel like we do. As much as we joke about it, “fake it ’til you make it” doesn’t usually work when it comes to belonging. I tried that for years, and the only thing it left me with was more loneliness, more shame, more feelings of inadequacy and disconnection.

I think this is why so many churches and groups are filled with people who regularly see each other, but don’t really know each other.

The path toward belonging seems to be authenticity.

I have openly shared how inadequate I felt in the group, how I was so scared to be known by them, how good I am at faking it, and how I was sure they’d reject me if they knew my honest struggles. Every single time, universally, I have discovered that pretty much everyone in the room was thinking and feeling the same thing.

The “me, too” always echoes.

And we all feel in that moment like maybe, just maybe, we might belong.

Maybe we aren’t weird.

Maybe we don’t need to “do something” to make other people love us.

Maybe we aren’t alone in our struggles.

But belonging doesn’t come in a rush, either. I have been part of The Refuge community for eight years now, and it is definitely the most comfortable I have ever felt in my skin, but the truth is I sometimes still have a nagging voice that says somehow I don’t really belong, that I’m somehow either too much or not enough.

The difference between now and then, though, is that I can identify the voice. I feel its tug away from life, I feel its call to keep me from feeling free with my friends, I feel its lie that tells me I don’t belong.

And now, instead of being mad at the voice and trying to push it down and will it to go away, I just say it out loud, trusting that I am probably in good company on the feeling. And every time, at least a few people–if not all–respond back, “Yeah, me too.”

The “I don’t belong” feeling’s only power is when we carry it alone.

So many are crying out for a place to belong.

This is why we need safe groups and little pockets of love so desperately, why we must create places where we can say out loud “I feel like I don’t belong.”

I keep learning that sometimes the best way to begin to belong is to actually feel like we do.

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Kathy Escobar
Kathy Escobar co-pastors The Refuge, a Christian community and mission center in North Denver. A trained spiritual director, speaker, and advocate, she also blogs regularly about life and faith at kathyescobar.com and is the author of Faith Shift and Down We Go—Living out the Wild Ways of Jesus. A mom of 5 young adults and teens, she is married to Jose and lives in Arvada, Colorado.
Kathy Escobar

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  • Erin Wilson

    Hmmm… the moment we confess our own insecurities and struggles, we create an opening for others. By risking, by stepping out, we create what we and others need.

  • HBurns

    ‘The path toward belonging seems to be authenticity’… I believe you are right. We have to be willing to be seen – as we are, warts and all. I love your words today Kathy as they are so encouraging and validating for all.

    Much love and many blessings,

    Helen xo

  • Pingback: making another’s pain in their heart our own. | kathy escobar.()

  • So thankful for this. First Idelette’s post, now this one from Kathy. A bit like salve for a wounded heart.

  • My fear isn’t that they don’t know me, but that maybe they do and I really don’t belong. 20 years in the same faith community and I still feel like when I open my mouth, I’ve viewed as one of “those people.” Someone on the fringe. These posts about belonging are really striking a chord, and I don’t know what to do with it all but say thank you and pray.

  • Cynthia Nichols Cavanaugh

    Yes, it’s true, “the path to belonging seems to be authenticity.” You put words to what I believe many of us feel regularly and the fear that if we were to expose our true selves we would be rejected. I am broken and you are broken and we all need each other to belong. I can’t belong without you. Thank you for giving us this feast in your words to have courage to be who we are so we can join the human race.

  • pastordt

    This is the heart of so much that’s good in this world – when we’re willing and able to admit how lonely we are, how riddled with insecurities, we open the door to true friendship, true connection, heart to heart. Thanks for pointing that out in your usual thoughtful and eloquent way, Kathy.

  • I love that: “safe pockets of love.” I look at my various communities and am so thankful they provide that safety.

  • Bev Murrill

    ‘the path toward belonging seems to be authenticity’… YES! I’ve learned in my (long) years that if I’m myself, lots of people won’t like me, but some will… and amazingly, they are the ones I like too!!!

    I love your heart… it comes out so clearly when you write, Kathy. I could say ‘who wouldn’t love you?’, but I know that that is a roll on the floor laughing statement. The truth is.. you belong where you love being… I’m glad you’re part of the SheLoves COmmunity I get so much out of what you have to say.

  • Relate so much to this, Kathy. Thank you for your honesty here.

  • I come back to this line: “The path toward belonging seems to be authenticity.” It’s something you do so well, Kathy. Thank you for leading the way … downward, to more community, more authenticity, more Jesus. xoxo

  • jenn

    All too often, we wear a mask and share the story that we would rather tell, as opposed to the raw and honest one. Our very being is threatened by this mask and the internal struggle to continue to wear it or discard it is torturous. Thank you for writing of the true struggle we all face: the desire to belong and the deep urge to be seen.

  • Stacy

    So good. Now is the most comfortable that I have ever felt in my skin, which is saying something since most of the time I feel like crawling out of it at rapid speed. Grateful to be a part of a transparent community that values real. Has been a lifesaver, no doubt. Reminds me of that C.S. Lewis quote, “Friendship is born at the moment that one friend says to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one!’ ” 🙂

  • I didn’t realize I was codependent until a close friend led me towards healing a couple of years ago…and the thing for me about codependency was my lack of awareness of my insatiable need to belong. So I would overserve and over do and over work so You Will Like me and Let Me In. It has been a soulful journey to discover self acceptance and being authentic about my weaknesses and fears. Belonging to Me helps me to realize when I belong rather than fretting over where I don’t belong. It is a shame buster!

  • oddznns

    I feel like I belong to this group of women who love. And yet, and yet… I hesitate to dive in, to ask how I too can contribute my voice. I wonder why. Would the no hurt too much? Anyway … you guys are wonderful and I love your posts appearing in my mailbox everyday.

  • sometimes my mind is a bad neighborhood. wow, that resonates so deeply with me. thank you for this dose of honesty, and this reminder that I am, in fact, not alone. that I do belong.