Step Up to the Tee

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

I signed up to play a round a golf with my team from work. This might seem pretty unremarkable, but it is shockingly out of character for me. I am terrible at sports—all sports. I’ve never owned a sports uniform or a jersey with my name across the back. I have not willingly participated in sports since I completed the physical education requirement for my bachelor’s degree almost 20 years ago. Sports, for me, is a torture chamber of pain, anxiety, shame and defeat. It’s not pretty.

When the golf outing was first announced, I quickly declined. When my teammates tried to encourage me to join in, I doubled down with the story of the last time I tried to play baseball.

“I don’t think you understand how bad I am at sports,” I told them. “The last time I played baseball they insisted on pitching to me until I hit the ball. It took 14 pitches and I am much better at baseball than I am at golf.”

They tried to tell me they were not good golfers either. They suggested it could be fun, that we could all be bad at golf together. But their words fell on deaf ears. It was hard to imagine anything I was less interested in doing than attempting to sport in front of people I like. Why would I subject myself to that kind of suffering?

The conversation ended and I didn’t think much more about it. The decision was made and it was time to move on. But recently I’ve been reading Roxane Gay’s book Hunger: A Memoir of my Body. Roxane’s relationship with her own body has made me take a closer look at mine and it hasn’t been great.

In the book Roxane candidly describes how the world views her body and how she sees herself. She self-identifies as fat and writes about how, as a large person, she is both invisible and an object of public scorn. Roxane talks at length about all things she does to try to take up less space and I couldn’t get that out of my head because I do that too.

I try to take up less space by looking for a seat on the aisle in every situation and holding my arms tightly against my body so I don’t encroach on the space of the person sitting next to me. I try to take up less space by not showing up to things where there is the possibility of getting hurt, because I have been hurt before.

That included the game of golf. I couldn’t imagine a game of golf being anything other than humiliating. Surely one of the benefits of being an adult is that no one can make you go to gym class.

I kept reading Roxane’s book and so much of it was sad. Her story is not my story and there are things that have happened to her that are truly horrific. But there are many times when she has benched herself; she wrote herself out of the story.

I have done that too. But I wanted to stop.

So the next morning I walked into work, opened our group chat and typed, “If you’re still up for an evening of being really bad at golf, I’m in.”

Is nine holes of golf going to change my life? Probably not, but I am encouraged to discover that I can still surprise myself and that at the ripe old age of 42, there is still plenty of time to grow and mature. When I look at the situation clearly, I can see that it’s a pretty low-stakes risk. I just need to get out of my own way.

Getting out of my own way is a lesson I’ve been in the process of learning for a long, long time. It takes a lot of hard work and courage to break the habits of a lifetime, whether that’s overcoming a fear or trying to ignore the voice in my head telling me that this is a terrible idea that will only end in tears.

I want to be a woman who shows up for herself, as well as for others. I need to take a closer look at the stories I tell myself about who I am and decide which ones are still true and which ones were never true in the first place. I want to show up and refuse to be afraid to take up space, even if I show up trembling.

So if you see someone on the golf course playing terribly, I hope it’s me. And I hope I see you there, too.

SaveSave

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail
Claire Colvin
Claire is learning to call herself a feminist. She has been writing and editing professionally for more than a decade. In 2013, her National Novel Writing Month entry was a science fiction story about a broken world where everyone was required to be as similar as possible. Claire wishes she could fold the world like a map so the people she loves weren’t so far away. She lives on a small mountain near Vancouver and writes at clairecolvin.ca.
Claire Colvin
Claire Colvin

Latest posts by Claire Colvin (see all)

Claire Colvin

Comments

  1. Katie Jarrett says:

    Thank you for writing this! I too avoid all sports situations and feel they are a torture chamber in motion, but I loved reading about how you made your decision to play with the team. You made a choice out of courage. Reading about it is inspiring. thank you.

  2. big brother says:

    Hooray! Good for you. Even if you score 200 for 9 holes (which is not good) I’m so proud that you would take a risk and do something that I know is totally outside of your comfort zone. Take comfort in the fact that everyone is bad at golf and everyone has to be shown at the beginning how to hold the club, how to stand an how to swing. you will miss the ball. you will hit it 3 three feet (and sideways). Don’t stress, just enjoy the company! (and you will be sore the next day) 🙂

    • Thanks big brother! Who would have guessed we’d ever see THIS day huh? I am sore, but it was worth it. I hit the ball, mostly in the right direction, more than once. YAY! Maybe one day we’ll hit a course together (as long as I get a golf cart. The golf cart is my favourite part.)

  3. Hunger is one of the most important books I’ve read in a while… (I will read anything Gay writes – she is stunning.) I’m so glad you showed up – that is so brave and something I need to learn!

  4. Helene Burns says:

    Bravo! I love this… and I love you xx

  5. I am right in the middle of reading Roxanne Gay’s Hunger. So, I hear you. I love that you said yes to the golf. That’s how I felt last night, saying yes to Gabi’s kids and parents softball game. I pretty much sucked, but it was fun. Yay to getting out of our own way.

    • I’m trying to picture you playing softball, in my head you’re laughing, and you’re wearing great lipstick. I’m starting to think that a lot of growing up is getting out of your own way. So glad we get to do this together.

  6. Tina Francis Mutungu says:

    Awww, Claire!

    1. I love that you picked up Roxanne Gay’s Hunger!
    2. So thrilled that you decided to take yourself off the bench. I’ve been doing a lot of that recently too. Turns out, trying new things, especially sport-sy new things, is a great recipe for levity.
    3. I love witnessing the beautiful direction your life has been taking over the past few years. I’m at the edge of my seat because you’re constantly doing new, hard, interesting, and challenging (hence, rewarding) things. I learn so much by having you in my life.

    So, thank you.

    Much love, friend.
    xo
    P.S. I can’t wait to tune in next time! Same time, same channel… 🙂

  7. I’m with you in this: “Getting out of my own way is a lesson I’ve been in the process of learning for a long, long time.”

Speak Your Mind

*