Unbalanced: Learning the Unforced Rhythms of Grace

“In reality, my life is a ridiculously amazing (amazingly ridiculous?) jumble of overlapping intersections.”

By Angela Doell | Twitter: @adoell

I have many questions in life. Zillions. However, I do know one thing for sure. I have figured this out and I will boldly declare it to be true only because I love you and want to be helpful:

Balance is baloney.

After 37 years on earth (twenty of those as a working gal and 16 as a mom) I feel like I can confidently say there’s no such thing as balance when it comes to being a mom, a wife, a friend, a working woman. It’s silly nonsense.

If your days are a constant quest to do it all, do it impressively, and keep smiling–I feel you. I vote that we agree to take the pressure off.

The word “balance” doesn’t work, for starters, because it suggests that my life can be compartmentalized–one area separate and unique from another. Family on one side of the scale, work and ministry on the other. In reality, my life is a ridiculously amazing (amazingly ridiculous?) jumble of overlapping intersections.

To be balanced would further mean that these separate parts of our lives carry equal weight, neatly divided… And yet I feel that what I focus on actually has all of me. When I’m with my family, I’m all in. There isn’t a corner of my heart that isn’t theirs. I love them wholly. When I’m at work, I wonder what my kids are up to at school. And I’m as passionate about the work and ministry that consumes my days. Serving in church, pastoring, creating –it’s where I find my purpose. It follows me home, finds its way into our dinner conversation, shows up in my dreams.

Family and Work are all up in each other’s faces, zero regard for any personal air bubble. 

As long as we’re doing real work, committed to a marriage, or raising complicated children, perfect balance is unrealistic. Add divorce, illness, addiction, or any other complication to the equation and it’s fully overwhelming.

I fell off a ladder recently. I was on the top step, stretching to paint a high wall and lost my balance. My husband happened to be nearby and he actually caught me. (He’s totally my hero.) Once we got over the shock of that little adventure and brushed ourselves off, he started to tease me. I didn’t just suddenly fall over, but it was the slow back and forth of a doomed woman which he found amusing:

- I reached too far with the paintbrush, tipped a little to the right and made a gasping “Whooah” sound.

- I attempted to regain my balance by leaning to the left, an “Ooooah” escaping my lips in the struggle.

- I overcorrected in my fearful panic, causing the ladder to swing. (At this point Rod had dropped what he was doing and was beside the ladder, arms outstretched.)

- I jerked right, thought I had things under control for a second and made a loud rejoicing exclamation sound like “Ahhhhhh”, which set me off again and caused the ladder to fully topple, landing me in the arms of my lover.

Our lives can often feel like the swing of that ladder, causing us to sing and dance in an attempt to make it all work without losing our cool. It’s a funny illustration … but it’s sometimes accurate.

While balance isn’t gonna happen, I do believe it’s possible to find harmony in the ebb and flow, the movement and rhythm, of life.

The key is to recognize my life isn’t my own. I am not in control here. In the still morning hours as I turn my face to God, make a physical and spiritual effort to seek Him first, He reveals the areas that need a little attention in my life, where I’m out of sync. He teaches me through the seasons of intensity, where I hold onto Him for dear life. I bring my stressed, weary cry of help and He, in turn, whispers “rest.” I feel His convicting nudge urging me to move when I’ve been comfortable too long. He reminds me of my purpose, asks me to lean into the stretch that I’m feeling, sets my wobbly knees straight with conviction.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

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My dear SheLoves friends, I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments:

• What are your thoughts on balancing family, work, life?
• What have you learned through the seasons of feeling off-kilter, out of balance?

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About Angela:

Angela and her husband Rod have been married for 18 years and they have two children, Madison (16) and Miller (12). Angela works at Relate Church in Surrey, BC. She loves finding beauty in everyday life and is passionate about communicating the grace, hope and reality of a living Jesus.

RELATE with Helen: Let’s Talk About Sex!

“Can you honestly say that you believe that your gift of sexuality is a good gift from God?”

By Helen Burns | Twitter: @helenburns

It’s February … So Let’s talk about SEX!

I am not exactly sure why, how or when it happened, but one day I realized that I was standing on an awful lot of platforms, talking on a lot of radio and television shows, and throughout many nations about the often taboo subject of sex.  Perhaps it is because I was blessed to grow up in a home where my parents were open and honest with me regarding sex and very openly loving and affectionate toward each other. So, today I find myself really comfortable around this topic though I think my daughters and my older grandchildren still squirm more than a little when John and I are teaching about sex.

February is a month that is synonymous with romance, love and passion, so I thought I would bring this spicy little topic up once again.

Sex is God’s brilliant idea.

He created it as a gift and blessing for husbands and wives to enjoy in the safety and sanctity of their marriages. But sadly, we live in a world of immense sexual brokenness and shame and on every continent I have ministered in I’ve encountered the painful reality that something so perfect and beautiful has gone horribly wrong. Genesis 2:25 describes a picture of perfection: “Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame” (NLT). How stunning is that!!!

One of the questions I often ask women–young and old, married and unmarried, as I am teaching them is,  ”Can you honestly say that you believe that your gift of sexuality is a good gift from God?” The reactions are quite varied, but I think most women sadly feel like it’s a burden, not a gift to be treasured. This creates huge relationship challenges not only within marriage, but also in how we relate to the other sex and lead the generations in their view of sex, marriage and men.

This year my “one word” is RECLAIM. So I am standing with a fiery passion to reclaim what belongs to God and there are few things I feel more passionate about than reclaiming healthy sexuality. I believe that in many ways it has become the battleground of our society. In a world riddled with sexual exploitation in so many arenas–from pornography and infidelity to sex trafficking–I am convinced one of the ways to win the war is to let TRUTH speak into this matter and bring beautiful, healthy sexuality back into marriage, where it belongs.

Sex In Marriage

Sex as it was intended is holy and can create health and wholeness in a marriage. While sex is not the foundation for a healthy marriage, it is a beautiful expression in which couples can feel supported and comforted by each other.

There are certain questions I am often asked often regarding married sex … Questions like:

“What is normal?”

- “How often should a married couple be having sex?”

- “What is permissible in the marriage bed?”

I like to tell them there is no such thing as “normal.” Normal is nothing more than a setting on your clothes dryer and there is not a “one-size-fits-all” in this department. But here are a few thoughts I hope can help you:

• A healthy sexual relationship starts with a healthy YOU. I know I say that a lot, but if your heart/soul isn’t healthy, nothing works in the world of relationships. Proverbs 4:23 says: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.”
• A healthy sexual relationship is one that is gratifying and fulfilling for both husband and wife. It’s all about meeting each other’s needs. Couples should be discussing their needs openly in order to negotiate a relationship that meets BOTH of their needs. Ladies, God meant for you to really enjoy sex too!
• A great sexual relationship will come from an overall great relationship with your spouse. It can only truly be enjoyed when there is mental, emotional and physical trust. Sexual frustration can be an indicator of a relationship that is lacking trust.
• Great sex will require giving. Love gives, lust demands.
• Great sex will require understanding: being aware and sensitive to each other’s needs. Do you really know what your spouse wants?
• You were created to enjoy sex, not endure sex.

Sex and the Single Woman

We, as women are not made with an ON/OFF switch when it comes to our sexuality. It’s not like when we say “I do” that suddenly our sexual thoughts, feelings and appetites unexpectedly surface. No, by then, we’ve been dealing with them for a while and navigating this sexual part of our lives is important whether we are married or single. Once again, having a healthy heart and attitude is critical for every woman. The best time to take care of your heart in this regard is before you ever enter into a relationship with a guy.

Our attitude toward sexual passion says something important about the state of our hearts. Sex is a porthole into our hearts, and our heart is a difficult place for us to hide from our hurts, disappointments, wrong attitudes, emotions and feelings toward sex. So many women have been stolen from–some have been sexually violated; others have been lied to and told that sex is dirty and horrible by their own mothers; others gave up sex when they longed for physical intimacy, because of a massive Daddy- hole in their hearts.

Whatever the reason may be, I feel it is imperative that we pay attention to our hearts, get truth into our hearts, and then learn to discover and walk in the freedom of an open and ready heart.

Every woman at the core of her heart longs to be loved, known, cherished and pursued. That is the picture of true romance, which is the cry of every feminine heart. Whether your heart is free, or battered and broken, there is hope, healing, strength and beauty for your gorgeous, perfect, God-shaped heart.

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My dear SheLoves friends,

• Can you honestly say that you believe that your gift of sexuality is a good gift from God? (Try to at least be honest with yourself here – no need to answer out loud, though perhaps your thoughts could help others?
• How can we become a part of the answer to the sexual brokenness in our world?
• Any other thoughts or feelings on this topic?

Helen Burns and her husband, John, speak around the world on the topic of relationships. They host the popular TV show “Relate with John and Helen.”

Photo credit:  Fathia Qadreza via Pininterest

Fisher Price My First Wedding

On getting married in two weeks (ahhh!). What I most appreciate and find most challenging about the upcoming nuptials.

By Winnie Lui | Twitter: @INTELsashimi

“Do you want to buy a marry dress?”

The little girl looked at me and then past me with impatient eyes. She fidgeted inside the booth as she awaited my reply.

We were at the Fisher Price “Little People” castle.

My First Wedding

I was volunteering for a conference as a child-care helper. I hadn’t babysat since junior high.

As I tried to stay engaged and remember all my tricks from Sunday schools of yesteryear, one young girl had already decided to involve me in her imaginary world of shop-keeper-and-customer.

Saying Yes

“Do you want to buy a marry dress!” Her tone sharpened, suggesting that I didn’t have a choice.

The following hour, I not only bought a “marry dress” from her, but also ten flavours of ice cream and a hot dog. Then I got sick, became her patient and subsequently received several emergency injections and two rushed surgeries. Luckily, I survived.

Real Life Summer

Ironically, my episode at the Fisher Price castle actually reflected, in part, the events of my entire summer.

Other than the part of getting sick on the foam floor or falling into the hands of an elementary school surgeon, I actually did buy a “marry dress.” And I ate lots of ice cream.

Yes, this summer was the last summer of my singlehood.

Changes

After getting engaged at the end of April, some things happened. I did lots of shopping. Many items I bought were white in color, and many were expensive, silly things I would never use again. I felt I was surrendering part of my logical mind to girlish romance. Perhaps this is a sign of maturing womanhood.

Next, I did all I could to relish my childhood. I went to summer camp. I scrambled up and down hills, splashed people with water, wore a puffy lifejacket and drifted into sea with nine other bubbly people, ran outside with my indoor socks on and played pranks on sleeping campers.

On some nights, I ate ice cream for dinner.

Reflection 

Now, with two weeks left until matrimony, I sit among piles of stuff that need to be moved and re-organized – the bits of my childhood packed away in boxes and other relics bagged and ready to be thrown out – and reflect, on the things I appreciate most and the things I find most challenging about getting married in two weeks.

What I Appreciate Most About Getting Married in Two Weeks

1. Many relatives gathering together

I don’t mean to be morbid, but if it weren’t for a wedding, it would take a funeral or some other crisis to gather my relatives from all over the globe to convene in one spot, at one time.

I was moved and surprised by some family RSVPs. There are far-away relatives whom I have barely talked to since I was a teenager, who are taking time off and traveling to BC, Canada to be at my wedding. Within my family and extended family, some have immigrated to Alberta, Canada while some have remained in or returned to Hong Kong. As such, it’s a feat to gather more than two or three families together at once. I think the wedding day will be a rare and precious time to have so many relatives together again.

 2. A training ground for relating to each other

Wedding planning is one of the first big projects on which my fiancé and I have collaborated. It is the first big project with a lot of money, emotions and important people involved, which makes it a very sensitive project and one that easily ignites passionate arguments and long debates. Yet, I appreciate this part of the pre-marital journey and see it as a kind of testing ground for future cooperation.

 3. Throwing out old stuff

I do enjoy getting rid of stuff. I love discovering new room in my drawers, seeing freshly opened floor space, and looking at an area that has just been gutted, vacuumed and mopped. (This last confession may illicit ridicule or wife-y, Mrs. Clean jokes, but please take it easy on me.)

What I Find Most Challenging About Getting Married in Two Weeks

 1. Meeting everyone at once

Although it’s amazing to me that so many out-of-town relatives are coming to the wedding, I’m actually a bit frightened of seeing everyone at once. I’m afraid of not knowing the right things to say, or not showing enough care towards people during the brief time we have together. I’m also afraid of some of old habits making an unwelcome appearance–like behaving ungraciously towards my family or taking them for granted, and thereby hurting people close to me. I’m praying for wisdom and self-control.

Whenever I’ve spent some time away from family, I like to think proudly that I’ve “grown up” or changed for the better, but one temper tantrum in front of mom or sister always brings me back to the humbling reality: I still need grace every day.

2. Agreeing with my fiancé

Unless I want to have five different colors of table cloth or walk down the aisle twice so both my fiance’s and my processional song choices can be played, I have to find a way to agree with him at a million little forks in the road we now face daily.

I think wedding planning is boot camp for choosing mortgages and children’s names. Iron does sharpen iron, but there is friction too, and sparks may fly. It is part of the process of refinement.

3. Adjusting to a partnership lifestyle

Alas, I say goodbye to my life of carefree singleness, where I can go out at the spur of the moment, come home according to my own schedule, eat late or skip meals and, in general, think and care mostly about myself only. I am now transitioning to a time when I will share everything. Everything. Personal space, household items, money, plans and decisions. What I do or choose will affect my spouse and I will have to take into consideration his interests before I upgrade my internet plan or rearrange the furniture.

There is going to be a New World Order in my life.

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Questions:

• Have you experienced a New World Order in your life and what was it like?
• What do you think of the benefits of living in partnership versus the surrendering of your preferences?

The wave of Asian immigration in the 1990s brought Winnie to Canada on a little red-mast junk. To fulfill her family’s dream of running a business in Hong Kong and giving the children a Western education, Winnie’s father commuted home to Canada during Christmas and Chinese New Year, and Winnie herself spent her childhood between the two continents and among many different schools and neighbourhoods. Her growing up experience has become a mosaic of cultures, languages, and perspectives. Winnie blogs at intellectualsashimi.com and tweets @intelSASHIMI

Photo credit: andrea.rose

RELATE with Helen: Keeping Peace vs Making Peace–A Big Difference

“I was glad to finally realize that God calls me to be a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper.”

By Helen Burns | Twitter: @helenburns

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.     - Matthew 5:9

Misunderstood?

In my experience, this little group of very well-known words that Jesus spoke are some of the most powerful yet most misunderstood in the Bible.

As a young, married 18-year-old woman struggling in marriage, I tried so hard to become the peacekeeper in the family. If I was hurt, disappointed or offended, I tried my hardest to bite my lip and hold back the tears that threatened to betray my true emotions. I had in my mind the picture of a “good wife,” and come hell or high water, I was going to do everything in my power to live up to that image.

I could hear the voices of doom in my head from people expecting our marriage to fail: we were too young, too different in the way we were raised, we didn’t have enough money to make it, we were fools. Well, I had something to prove! I was determined I could do this and make my marriage perfect.

But I was failing miserably. By trying to keep the peace in our marriage, I was destroying it. Instead of being sweet and kind, I became like Mt. St. Helen’s–an explosive volcano. To me, keeping peace meant not being honest with my feelings and stuffing them down inside emotionally. After a time of too much stuffing, I would explode in anger and say things I never imagined I could say to my husband.

I can still feel the shock of the aftermath of those volcanic emotional eruptions. I was completely devastated, and John was dumbfounded, wondering, “Who is this crazy person I married?” I hadn’t managed to keep the peace, but destroyed it. I spewed and sputtered, ranted and raved, and I didn’t solve a single problem; yet I had created a lot more of them. I think many people do life like I used to.

Through a journey of painful discovery I was glad to finally realize that God calls me to be a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper. There is a huge difference! To MAKE peace, you must come together to find a resolution to what has been stealing your peace.

The Message version of Matthew 5:9 says it so beautifully:

You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight.

John and I were both determined to make our marriage work and heal the hurt. We discovered the pathway to making peace in our relationship was to engage respectfully, but with completely raw and honest communication. We learned how to fight for peace in a productive way and the power of healthy confrontation.

PEACE is the essential ingredient to allow a relationship to grow and thrive and confrontation can be the pathway towards it.

Peace provides a sense of rest and contentment and freedom from anxious, oppressive and destructive thoughts or emotions. I Peter 1:2 describes it as “freedom from fears, agitating passions and moral conflicts.”

I believe that every growing relationship will experience conflict, and it’s essential that we gain the skills necessary to work through the conflict to find a resolution as soon as possible. Most people avoid confrontation at all costs because they don’t truly understand it. Confrontation is not a dirty word. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or your relationship.

Confrontation is simply to have a face-to-face meeting. It means to turn your face toward the person and toward the relationship. I love how Proverbs 10:10 teaches us this truth: ”An evasive eye is a sign of trouble ahead, but an open, face-to-face meeting results in peace.” This is so true!

Confrontation does not have to be destructive

Confrontation is uncomfortable because for the most part, we don’t like to be honest and vulnerable. The goal of confrontation is not to prove our point. It is to live at peace with one another. In order to do that we must work for understanding.

What YOU can do to make peace:

• Take personal responsibility to resolve it–it all starts with you. Get your own heart right and come to a place of peace within yourself. Get the anger and hurt out of your own heart before you engage each other with words. This is always the hardest but most critical part.
• Be willing to forgive and let go of the offenses.
• Decide you want to understand the heart of the other person, not judge them, correct them or let them have a piece of your mind. The whole goal of confrontation is to hear and understand the heart of another.
• Choose not to defend your position but to listen to theirs first. Once again, the Message version of Proverbs 18:13 is great: “Answering before listening is both stupid and rude.”
• Show honour and respect for each other by affirming the relationship.
• Point each other toward the Prince of Prince, Jesus. Love is a heart that moves: toward God and toward each other. When God is involved, hearts melt and miracles can happen!

A picture of Shalom

Theologian Neil Plantinga notes that the Hebrew prophets had a word for just this kind of connectedness of all things: SHALOM – “the webbing together of God, humans, and all creation in justice, fulfillment, and delight.”

In a world where shalom prevailed, all marriages would be healthy and all children would be safe. Those who have too much would give to those who have too little. Israeli and Palestinian children would play together on the West Bank; their parents would build homes for one another. In offices and corporate boardrooms, executives would secretly scheme to help their colleagues succeed; they would compliment them behind their backs. Tabloids would be filled with accounts of courage and moral beauty. Talk shows would feature mothers and daughters who love each other deeply … Disagreements would be settled with grace and civility.
… Churches would never split. People would be neither bored nor hurried. No father would ever again say, “I’m too busy,” to a disappointed child. Our national sleep deficit would be paid off. Starbucks would still exist but would sell only decaf.

 I love this picture of peace and harmony, as it is a perfect picture of strength rising out of challenge. You really never know how committed you are to a relationship until you have had an opportunity to walk away from it. Relationships that have not been tested cannot be trusted.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. - Romans 12:18

Questions:

• Do you find yourself resorting to peacekeeping over taking the courageous step to engage in peacemaking?
• Who do you need to open up and speak to honestly about your emotions?
• Are you willing to forgive that person and listen to their point of view, with the goal of understanding their heart?

About Helen:

Helen Burns and her husband, John, speak around the world on the topic of relationships. They host the popular TV show “Relate with John and Helen.”

Photo credit: Paulina Clemente

TGIF: One Wedding, Two Friends and Learning to Let Go

On sobbing in bathroom stalls, 144 miles and the end of an era.

by Tina Francis | Twitter: @teenbug
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“Friends can be said to fall in like with as profound a thud,
as romantic partners fall in love.” – Letty Pogrebin

Letty was talking about me.

It was a dreary Saturday morning with an ash-grey hormonal sky. I’d left Vancouver at an ungodly hour, to drive 144 miles to Seattle, to squeeze in breakfast with her before my Food Photography workshop.

Our first stop: Cafe Besalu. Two cups of coffee, a buttery flaky Pear Galette, Leek Goat Cheese Quiche and a Ginger Biscuit “to-go.” Our destination? The floor of her cozy studio apartment.

Sitting on the carpet, looking at the artwork that adorned her semi-adult apartment walls, I was transported back to the dorm room in university where we first met. The comforting sound of the rain pelting against the windows and the soft music streaming from her laptop, providing the soundtrack for our maturing friendship. We communicated the way only old friends could, stopping mid-story to savour a bite of pastry with closed eyes to say, “SweetBabyJesus … this is delicious!” Savoring pregnant pauses, heart-warming stories, astute observations of the mundane and unplanned confessions.

Spending time with her was like getting  a deep tissue massage for my head and heart. I left exhilarated and rested.

The Beginning

We met a decade ago. I remember it like it was yesterday.  She, a blue-eyed honey blonde, who wanted to hear all of my “Indian girl-growing-up-in-the Middle-East” stories. In stark contrast, I, brown-eyed with raven-black hair, infatuated by the “colourful-singing-home-schooled-Von-Trapp-sized-farm-family.” This girl was awesome.

She climbed dumpsters.

Scaled rusty ladders outside desolate warehouses.

Technically I grew up in the Middle East, but she wears a gold necklace with her name spelled in Arabic.

Don’t even get me started on the awesome red dress and cowboy boots.

Meet my friend, sister-from-another-mister and kindred spirit, Adriel.

She is the perfect combination of:  Strength + Soul + Sass.

And just when I thought I had figured her out…

She upped the ante!

On Monday, 22 August 2011 Adriel or Ale (as I call her) got married. Of all the scary things she’s ever done, this one affected me the most.

As the official wedding photographer, I was so busy running around taking pictures, the enormity of the day didn’t quite sink in. The whole day was a bit of a blur.

Until…

We ran into some rain during the ceremony on the beach. I could feel my hair bloom into a massive fro. In a last-ditch effort to wrangle my hair into a somewhat  dignified “do” before the reception, I popped into the washroom to take a quick peek at the mirror.

Bad move.

a. I really wish I had not seen my hair.
b. I was not ready for what happened next.

I walked in on one of Adriel’s cousins crying. She was dabbing her tears with tissues in an effort to stop her makeup from smudging. Much like my hair, it was beyond rescue, because the tears were coming down at an alarming rate. I touched her arm and asked, “Hey… are you okay?”

She replied, “It’s just that… I love her so much…”

I’m pretty sure I broke every cardinal rule in Wedding Photographer’s Handbook, when I scooped the crying girl in my arms for a hug. I held her as tightly as I could and she broke down into heartbreaking sobs. I could feel her warm tears soaking the back of my shirt and she repeated the words, “I just love her so much …”

We hugged for what felt like half an hour but was probably more like five minutes. I shifted my weight from the left-to-the-right and back again, softly rocking her body in an effort to console her. Suddenly, I could feel the emotion welling up inside of me and now the rocking was more for me, than her. I realized I needed to hug someone too. When I felt her sobs subside I slowly pulled away.

What was wonderful was that, there was no awkwardness between us! It wasn’t embarrassing. It wasn’t “too much.” It wasn’t crazy.

Her cousin was right. This wedding was huge deal. Adriel meant the world to so many people. Her village loved her. Her cousin was just brave enough to grieve openly.

As I drove back to Vancouver on Tuesday morning, I started to realize how monumental this wedding was. She was going to move to Reno after her honeymoon. It dawned on me that she wasn’t just 144 miles away.

Once I got home I was anxious to upload my pictures and get a second glance at the moments I wanted to savour.

Can we take a moment to admire her for a second?
What a beautiful bride! *sigh*

I thought about her beautiful sisters and how much they are going to miss her. I’m not even a blood relative for goodness’ sake and I was a mess.

This was one of my favourite moments of the whole day. Adriel was feeling a little anxious about the logistics of the ceremony in light of the rain. Her dad squatted beside her, kissed her shoulder and told her it was going to be okay. I loved witnessing the tenderness between them in this private moment.

Here is another favourite. I love how her mom is looking up into the sky as if to say, ” God, I just love her so much… Please take care of my baby girl.” I also, have to point out that I love-love-love how Adriel’s parents are holding hands in this picture. *sniff*

Leaving is a two-way street.

It just occurred to me that it’s not just Adriel who needs to leave, but her parents, sisters, friends and cousins who need to release her into her new destiny.

I honestly don’t know how parents do it. I’d be the psychotic parent sobbing in a fetal position in the parking lot after dropping off my kid at kindergarten. *shudder* [disturbing thought erased] I will cross that bridge later.

I’ve had two really important girls in my life get married and each time it feels like a fresh lesson in “letting go!”  I’m reminded yet again that while I’m letting go of Adriel, I’m not loosing her, I’m just defining a new normal.

“Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.” – The Wonder Years

P.S. I took Adriel’s wedding pictures with the new camera gear!
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Steve Jobs + 29 Ways to Stay Creative + Man Cooking Dinner + Dutch Genius + Nelly Furtado= TGIF!

1. In light of Steve Jobs recent resignation as CEO for Apple, I re-watched his famous 2005 Stanford Commencement Speech. There is something about this speech that absolutely gets to me. Maybe it’s because Steve strips away all the fancy, impressive parts of his journey and talks about the things that are universally understood, i.e. how does one connect the dots in the midst of love, loss and death. My favourite quote: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.”

2. I found this video on Jon Acuff’s blog. Just simple truths, we’ve all heard before. That’s the thing about the truth, it stands the test of time. Although, I will say this, I’ve never tried #23 before. What’s your favourite?

3. Pretty French Music + Man Cooking Dinner + Duck Breast + Fingerling Potatoes + Butter Lettuce = Enough said. #heaven The only thing that bugs me about this video is all the dinner “guests” appear to be models. As if.

4. I love the Dutch! Dutch railway maintenance company ProRail, designed a slide to quickly reach the railway tracks for commuters in a hurry. Hello! Me. *puts hand up* I’m a commuter in a hurry. As someone who commutes for over 2.5 hours daily, I’m all over this. Only the official term is not “slide,” it’s “transfer accelerator.” Potato, Potah-to. Slide, Transfer Accelerator. Whatevs. Still awesome.

5. I listened to some old school Nelly Furtado this morning because it reminds me of Adriel, and that makes me smile!

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So my SheLoves peeps:

- Is there somebody you need to let go of? A friend, an ex, a parent? What is holding you back?
- Maybe you have successfully let go and defined your new normal? Any advice?

Or…

- Perhaps, you are the one who is having to leave? New city, new job, new reality of some kind?
- What helps you make the bold step forward into the future, when what you really want to do is cling to what’s comfortable and familiar?

Love you more than Grilled Soft Cheese, Thyme Honey and Fresh Figs, (<- Recipe)

xoxo,
Teen

To read more TGIFs from Tina: Click here.
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SheLoves Half-Marathon for Living Hope
- How it all got started? Read the story: HERE
- Donate: HERE
- Facebook Event Page: HERE
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About: My name is Tina. Loved ones call me: Teen. I am drawn to all that is fresh, spontaneous and creative.

Confession: Some girls dream about Manolo Blahniks or their next Hermes bag. Not me. I dream of freshly baked bread, perfectly barbecued meat & steaming bowls of Pho. My dream lover *cue Mariah Carey song* is someone who would read out a menu to me in Barry White’s baritone voice. ha.ha. Everything about food makes my toes curl. The only thing that excites me more than eating food is beautiful pictures of food.

I was born and raised in Dubai and currently live in the beautiful city of Vancouver, known for some of the best sushi in the world.

I enjoy taking pictures.

RELATE with Helen: What I’ve learned about Relationships

“Thirty-seven years of marriage, 36 years of parenting, 25 years of being a pastor and 55 years of being a daughter, a sister and friend have taught me a few things.”

By Helen Burns | Twitter: @helenburns

Relationships are the workshops of life.

It’s true there are no two relationships that are alike, so it would be impossible to give you a simple formula to guarantee successful, fulfilling and wondrous relationships in your life. People are complicated and so are relationships. I can however share a few truths I’ve learned over time and through experience. Thirty-seven years of marriage, 36 years of parenting, 25 years of being a pastor and 55 years of being a daughter, a sister and friend have taught me a few things:

1. Every successful relationship starts with a healthy YOU.
2. You will attract into your life not what you want, but who you are. A healthy relationship begins with two healthy individuals … not perfect (that’s impossible), but with two people who want to grow and change and become all that they were created to be.
3. Every successful relationship is sculpted with vision.
4. You can’t have what you can’t see–while many people simply saw a big block of marble, Michelangelo saw a masterpiece of David in there. We have to learn to see beyond the mess to the miracle of what our relationships can truly be and then go to work to create it.
5. Every successful relationship stays alive through healthy communication. Communication is the source of life for every growing relationship … it is the exchange from one heart to another and without it relationships die a very slow and painful death.
6. No one is born a great communicator … It takes effort, it takes risk, it takes openness and honesty and complete vulnerability. It is something that will take a lifetime of committed effort to truly appreciate and enjoy, BUT it is so worth it.
7. Every successful relationship is built through the actions of serving.
8. Anyone can be great because anyone can serve. Jesus taught us that if you want to be great, you have to learn to be the servant of all. Serving is simply finding ways to meet the needs of the people you love. Our own humanity is always looking for ways to be served, and it goes against human nature to look for ways to serve, but true greatness is found in meeting the specific needs of those you are growing your life with. How do the people in your life love to be shown love? Hmmm … that’s an important discovery!
9. Every successful relationship grows stronger through trust. Trust is the most fragile, yet most important element of every growing relationship. It takes a lifetime to build and can be destroyed in a moment. I believe it is in the little things that are done repeatedly that create an atmosphere of trust and confidence. Never make the mistake of telling someone that you are building a relationship with to just trust you… show them and prove to them that you are worthy of their trust.
10. Every successful relationship stays healthy through forgiveness. Every one will fail in life – guaranteed! Living in the freedom of forgiveness is mandatory for all of us to thrive. I learned such a powerful lesson from Marilyn Skinner as she taught the rescued children who had previously been abducted by the LRA in Uganda. She asked them a simple question, “What do you do if a snake bites you?” They all knew the answer was to get the poison out right away. She reminded them that if they tried to pursue the snake to kill it, they may die in the process … but getting the poison out would help them survive. It’s the same in relationships – we will all get hurt at some time in our relationships, so it’s critical to always keep the poison out of our hearts. We do that through forgiveness. It is a gift we give ourselves.
11. Every successful relationship is bonded through touch. Touch is miraculous… it has the power to break down walls and heal. My first instinct when I have been hurt or offended is to pull away and to withhold touch and physical intimacy. We so often do that as married couples, as parents and as friends – it is easy to withdraw and it takes great strength to purposefully re-engage with someone.

I know this isn’t rocket science, but it is supernatural. There are so many relationships today that are dying because of a lack of engagement in ways that are actually so simple and doable.

Questions:

• What can you do today that will make a difference in the life of someone you love?
• What can you do right now that will help you re-engage with a loved one?

About Helen:

Helen Burns and her husband, John, speak around the world on the topic of relationships. They host the popular TV show “Relate with John and Helen.”

MY STORY: Njoki Mbui

Finding my calm in the middle of a storm.

By Njoki Mbui | Twitter: @njokimbui

I despise goodbyes. I choke at the thought that something good will have to come to an end; whether it’s visiting with a friend, coming home from a vacation or even the last bite of a good meal. I have never been good at it.

Early October 2008 I came home to an empty house. My husband of seven years had left. There was no goodbye. His shoes were missing from the shoe rack in the garage and so were his clothes from his side of the closet. I had felt this day drawing to a close. We met when I was 19 years old, fell in love and said “I do” two years later. We had a rocky start. For a young couple, we were faced with numerous challenges, including supporting each other through university and establishing our careers. We were no experts–we both made some costly mistakes. Now looking back, our friendship was the only unshakable bond that held us together. We wanted the best for each other.

I had never lived alone in my whole entire life. The following weeks alone were filled with anguish that caused insomnia and weight loss. My body was surrendering to the stress; even the love and support from family and close friends was not enough. It felt like my world as I knew it had come to an end. In addition, I slowly lost my instinct to believe in the good in people and the ability to trust. I lost many friends. It was a season of violent turbulence in my life.

Fighting to “keep it together”

We had lost our home in Kenya in 1998 due to tribal clashes (hence the move to Canada); I thought that was tough. But this! This felt like an emotional tidal wave. I grieved a failed marriage, loss of family, friends and most importantly my dream of becoming a mom. Around the same time Madonna and Guy Ritchie were also getting divorced. She was throwing a party to celebrate her divorce–not me! I was not going to give up easily.

I fought tooth and nail until I realized this was not my battle. Giving up on my marriage cost me the little joy that I had left. God found me a mound of clay lying flat on my bedroom floor exhausted soaked in tears. I managed a short prayer: “God if this does not kill me, let it be the best experience of my life”. He answered. Little did I know, this was going to be the beginning of a beautiful love story. My Potter picked me up and began molding me.

In the Hands of a Loving Father

October 19 2008, I was worshiping to “Majesty (Here I am)” by Delirious. I got to the line:

“Your grace has found me just as I am, empty handed but alive in your hands … Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty”

My walls came down. I could not do this alone–it was time to surrender my life to Him.  He had pursued me for a long time and had finally caught my attention. See, I was raised in the church and knew of God, I went to church most Sundays, but did not  have a relationship with Him. I was in control of my life and lived it the best way I knew how.

His grace and mercy

His grace had found me divorced and alone, feeling like I had come undone. God had good plans. He knew I was not going to walk through this journey alone. Through an old friend, I met three mature Christian women who became my guardian angels. They were placed in my life for a time and for a purpose. They called and prayed with me on the phone, visited and mentored me throughout the journey. God used them to shower me with His love. My heart of stone softened and my spirit came alive! Instead of feeling rejected, I felt loved; my sadness lifted and joy filled every inch of me. His perfect love cast out every fear in me. I was His princess and He was doing a new thing! This was not an overnight transformation, I continued to endure some dark and difficult days, but the assurance that I will never walk alone was and has continued to be my source of strength.

There is freedom in love and forgiveness. I can now look back with gratitude for the most significant and blessed almost 3 years of my life. If the purpose of this experience was to awaken me from my spiritual slumber, then I consider it all joy! My dreams as a little girl are very much alive–one day I’ll walk down the isle and say “I will” to my God picked prince charming, we’ll live happily ever after in a shoe house and have a dozen kids. God is writing a beautiful story.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything”  (James 1:2-4)

• Has God ever turned what was intended to hurt you into a blessing?

About Njoki:

My name is Njoki. I was born and raised in Kenya. My family immigrated to Canada thirteen years ago. If asked to introduce myself, I would say; I am a daughter, sister, niece and friend… my family defines who I am. We love to love, cook, eat and laugh out loud; the happiest days are spent hanging out with my family and close friends. I am a pediatric nurse, driven and passionate about issues affecting women and children.