TGIF: “Polished-Practiced-Perfect” Me vs “Raw-Ragged-Rough-Take” Me

On Bonnie Raitt, bullfrogs and getting lost in the supermarket of life.

by Tina Francis | Twitter: @teenbug
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“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” -Dr. Suess

“You’re just so … exposed!” she said. Her elbows on the table. Her hands open emphatically in front of her.

I was out for lunch with my cousin-sister visiting from San Fran at the Salt Tasting Room. Exposed brick, concrete floors, communal tables and a chalkboard wall with the specials. Very Gastown. Very Vancouver.

We had the “Wine Flight” (a wine tasting selection). FYI, I’m no Carrie Bradshaw. I don’t always drink wine on my lunch break but this was a special occasion.  My cousin was moving to Hong Kong for work.

Each wine was perfectly paired with an assortment of meat and cheeses.

Mmmmmm … 

Where were we? Ah yes! My cousin. She told me she had been reading TGIF and couldn’t get over how much of my real life I put out there. I laughed and brushed it off saying my honesty (word-vomit) was a default setting I couldn’t control.

Then she said some really nice things that (awesome) cousins say when they visit and finished up by asking, “So, what’s going on with your singing?”

The Sound of Music

“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” -Maya Angelou

Many many moons ago, I used to sing. Back in 2003, I recorded a little demo album in Dubai. Some of the songs from that album even played on the radio in Dubai. Late-late-late night radio shows.

My life has moved on since then.

For reasons that are far too sensitive and nuanced to get into (that’s saying something, coming from me) I will say this: almost overnight I lost the joy of singing. What was meant to be a break for a couple of days, turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months, months snowballed into years. Six years to be exact. Six quiet years.

The fact that I suffered a pretty serious quarter-life crisis didn’t help. The crazier life got, the quieter I got.

When I first started singing again after my six-year hiatus, my voice sounded strange and unfamiliar. I cringed when I heard it out loud. It wasn’t as strong as it used to be.

Yet, I continued to sing at home, in the shower, in my car, in my bed. I had no plans to revisit my life as an singer-songwriter but I did want to know my voice. Who is this person? What does she care about? What does she want?

Turns out she had dreams, hopes and passions. Who knew? She had been such a Debbie Downer for so long.

The more I sang, the more insight I got into who I was and who I was meant to be. I was hard-wired to sing. It was irrelevant whether I was singing for an actual audience or just in the shower between a lather-rinse-repeat shampoo cycle. Singing was the auditory treasure map to my shipwrecked soul.

Slowly my thoughts got louder. So loud. I couldn’t contain them any more.  They pushed and shoved their way out of my mouth. They got bolder. Soon I was saying the things that “we-all-think-but-don’t-say.”

This surround-sound version of me bore a striking resemblance to the crazed six-year-old who ran around laughing, singing and screaming.

I can’t afford to lose her again in the supermarket of life.

Six years was too long. Six years felt final.

So now, I put my shiz out there. For everyone to see, read and hear. If I get lost again? They (family, friends and colleagues) can come find me.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”  – E.E. Cummings

The Right Now

Given my crazy schedule and an effort to make TGIF more sustainable, Idelette and I discussed doing a vlog (video blog) once a month.

Except l thought, why stop there?! Why not take it one step further and record a little song to shake things up?

*insert buzzer*

First mistake.

Turns out:
- I can’t remember anything from my “Digital Recording 101″ class in university.
- There is a reason why people get paid boatloads of money to record music.
- It’s impossible to “throw together a song” in one evening. Even a karaoke song.

Still I thought, “Leap, Tina. Leap.” Actually, a bunch of Facebook friends (you know who you are) reminded me to leap this week.

I was tempted to leave you with one of the songs from the album that was professionally recorded back in 2003, instead of the crazy-audio-karaoke-disaster I was able to throw together. And then I thought … where’s the fun in that? I’d be missing the whole point of this exercise.

The point of life is not to be “Polished-practiced-perfect” Me, but to show up and sing like an out-of-tune bullfrog amidst life’s chaos.

I hope that exposing the raw unfinished version of me gives you the courage to do the same.

Come on, fellow bullfrog!

I can’t hear you.

Louder! Louder!

“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” -Dolly Parton

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‘Polished-Practiced-Perfect’ Me (Studio, August 2003)

Download track here.

‘Raw-Ragged-Rough-Take’ Me (Bedroom, October 2011)

If you want an audio reminder to be ‘Raw-ragged-rough-take’ YOU, you can download the song here.
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So my SheLoves peeps, I have two thoughts this week:

1. I’m curious. What is the area of your life that you are terrified to expose? Note: I didn’t say “Is there an area…” I know we all have areas of our life where we silence ourselves.

2. What is the worst-case scenario that keeps you from exposing/sharing that part of yourself with the world?

3. Dream with me for a minute. What could be the best-case scenario (pay-off) in exposing/sharing yourself?

Love you more than an uber pretty Crispy Potato and Apple Roast with Shallots, Rosemary and Thyme,(<- Recipe)
xoxo,
Teen

To read more TGIFs from Tina: Click here.
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SheLoves Half-Marathon for Living Hope
- How it all got started? Read the story: HERE
- Donate: HERE
- Facebook Event Page: HERE
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My name is Tina. Loved ones call me: Teen.

Words are my chocolate. Music, my caramel. Photography, my bread. Girlfriends, my butter.

Confession: Some girls dream about Manolo Blahniks or their next Hermes bag. Not me. I dream of freshly baked bread, perfectly barbecued meat & steaming bowls of Pho. My dream lover *cue Mariah Carey song* is someone who would read out a menu to me in Barry White’s baritone voice.

I celebrate food, ask for help, interrupt conversations, laugh and cry hard, acknowledge the elephant in most rooms, fight for the underdog and believe in the power of storytelling.

My word for the year is “leap.” If something scares me, I do it.

I was born and raised in Dubai and currently live in the beautiful city of Vancouver, known for some of the best sushi in the world.

TGIF: I love you too much …

On tough love, learning the importance of deadlines, sleep and the art of saying No.

by Tina Francis | Twitter: @teenbug
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“I love you too much…” the email said, “I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh. That’s not my intention.”

*cringe*

The word harsh is never promising.

I looked over my shoulder, hunched over my iPhone and proceeded to read the rest of the email.

It continued: “There is a new deadline for TGIF. My desire is for your mind to switch into a gear where your deadline is no longer Friday, but Tuesday. If I have to take a hard line to achieve that, I might need to play “bad cop.” Meaning: if the piece isn’t done by Tuesday, there won’t be a TGIF that Friday.”

Hmmm …

The Problem: It was already Wednesday.

I kept reading, “I will give you grace today, but if it’s not done today (Wednesday), my friend, I’m sorry, but we’re reposting another archived piece. You need to get on a different cycle. Your long-term wellness is more important to me.”

Let me backtrack. I write a Friday column on SheLoves called TGIF. Hint: You are reading it.

The email was from my one of my besties, co-conspirator and SheLoves editor, Idelette (Idli). Let me preface this by saying, Idelette is the world’s sweetest editor and friend. No seriously. She tears up when you talk about feeling invisible at work, she squeals for joy when you get a good haircut and signs off every text, email and Facebook message with an “xoxo.”

I leaned back in my chair and tried to process what I’d just read. A strange sensation came over me. I think it was relief (?).

I was flailing and Mama Bear caught me in time.

So, how did I get here?

Over the course of the summer, I took on a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) of running my first ever half-marathon and organizing a team of equally awesome (insane) women who were willing to join me in both running and raising money for our sisters in Uganda.

An endeavor of this scale needed someone with:

1. Strong administrative skills.

a.    I refuse to open envelopes of any kind.
b.    I’m wary of all voicemail.

2.    Impressive athletic aptitude.

Permissible forms of exercise according to moi:
a. Balancing in heels on the skytrain.
b. Blow-drying my hair. Hello? Arm workout.

So basically, I was terribly outside of my comfort zone and the least qualified candidate for the job. This means I took three times longer to fulfill simple tasks.

In addition to training for a half-marathon, administration and fundraising I had:

1.    A full-time job
2.    Three-hour daily commute
3.    Photography Business (Shooting + Editing)
4.    Church
5.    Family
6.    Friends (Local + Skype)
7.    Life Group
8.    Writing TGIF

Full disclosure: As the weeks went by, I started missing my 8am TGIF deadline. Some Fridays I only got it in by 5pm! So, yes, technically it was a Friday, but in reality it was almost a Saturday. We were missing 75% of potential readership by publishing the post so late in the day.

Idelette’s main concern wasn’t the magazine but my wasted effort. “It makes me sad to put up another post on Saturday morning when your piece has only been up for one third of the day.” she said. “All that hard work and no one gets to read your lovely words!” Like I said, she is a sweetie.

We made a deal: Idelette gave me one Friday off to rest and I in return promised to turn in my piece by Tuesday.

Except, Tuesday came and went. Deadline unmet. The rest of the seven items on my To-Do List took over.

So here we are at 11:21pm on a Wednesday night, I have 39 minutes to meet my deadline and I’m typing like a mad woman.

Why am I telling you all of this?

We all have deadlines. We have insurance forms to fill, taxes to file, rebate coupons to mail and passports to renew. Some of us breeze through life’s deadlines like rockstars high-fiving fans on the red carpet. The rest of us are sweaty and out-of-breath from running after life’s deadlines like the pathetic kid who missed the school bus.

I fall into the latter category.

Here are six things I’m working on in light of my big boo-boo:

1.    The Art of saying “no.” My default setting is “yes.” I feel terrible turning anything away: a coffee date, a photography gig, a phone call, etc. I’m learning that it’s okay to say a kind and honest “no” so I can say “yes” to the things I really care about.

2.    No means no. On the rare occasion I do manage to say “no,” I second-guess myself. My no’s sneakily turn into maybe’s and voila I’m right back where I started.

3.    The cracks begin to surface. Literally. No amount of makeup can make up for the lack of sleep.

4.    “Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad. Somebody.” If you’ve heard Russell Peters’ shtick before you know that “somebody” is you. I signed off a really important email at work today as ‘Yima’ instead of ‘Tina’. *face palm*

5.    Get ‘er done. The perfectionist in me can’t let go of a project. There is no point writing a blog post, taking a picture, learning a song if no one gets to read, see, hear it. I need to save the draft, hit publish and call it a day.

6.    Must rejoin normal people. I’ve been feeling a little bit like the crazy bag lady who talks to herself lately. Never a good sign.

I wish I had brilliant nuggets of wisdom to give you on this topic. Quite honestly, I’m in the middle of figuring out my junk. FYI, this may mean that you will see a lot more archived TGIF pieces from me while I figure this whole deadline thing out. So, if I go missing on a Friday, now you’ll know why!

Trying to figure out my shiz,
Teen
xox

“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” – Josh Billings

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Here are five things that made me smile(think) this week:

Miss Representation + Men-ups + Facebook Cure + Snow White + God is not a white man = TGIF

1. Chances are you’ve already seen this trailer floating all over Facebook. Written and directed by Jennifer Siebel Newsom, Miss Representation uncovers a glaring reality that “media’s limited and often disparaging portrayals of women and girls, make it difficult for women to achieve leadership positions and for the average woman to feel powerful herself.” The opening line of the trailer had me hooked, “The most common way people give up power is by thinking they don’t have any. – Alice Walker” Yikes! Learn more about the movie here.

Warning: Watching the trailer may result in the burning of “supportive undergarments.”

2. Photographer Rion Sabean’s series “Men-ups” features men photographed in stereotypical pin-up poses. What is meant to be a humorous project is actually quite poignant. If the poses look ridiculous on men, why don’t the same rules apply to women? Makes ya think, don’t it?

3. Cure for procrastinating on Facebook. Quick! Grab some bowls, a table, your favourite shirt, a baking tray and a bottle of red wine. Confused? Watch the video. Miranda July is brilliant!

4. Snow White: The film adaptation of the fairytale is coming to theaters in 2012. What do you think of Eiko Ishioka’s costumes for the movie? Question: Is it PC to say “dwarfs”?

5. God is not a white man–Everything about this song makes me smile. Bravo Gungor.

“God is not a man
God is not a white man
God is not a man sitting on a cloud

God cannot be bought
God will not be boxed in
God will not be owned by religion

But God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone
God is love, God is love, and He loves everyone.”
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So my SheLoves peeps, I have two thoughts this week:

1. Have you had to say, “I love you too much …” to someone in your world? Have you had to be Mama Bear? Was it hard setting boundaries? Did the confrontation make you nervous? How did things end?

2. Have you been on the receiving end of “I love you too much…” from someone? How did it make you feel? I felt relief! Did you feel: Relief or panic?

Love you more than the perfect fall hot sandwich slathered with sweet apple butter, topped with smokey ham and aged Gruyere, (<- Recipe) Mmmmmm…..

xoxo,
Teen

To read more TGIFs from Tina: Click here.
______________________________________________________

SheLoves Half-Marathon for Living Hope
- How it all got started? Read the story: HERE
- Donate: HERE
- Facebook Event Page: HERE
______________________________________________________

My name is Tina. Loved ones call me: Teen.

Words are my chocolate. Music, my caramel. Photography, my bread. Girlfriends, my butter.

Confession: Some girls dream about Manolo Blahniks or their next Hermes bag. Not me. I dream of freshly baked bread, perfectly barbecued meat & steaming bowls of Pho. My dream lover *cue Mariah Carey song* is someone who would read out a menu to me in Barry White’s baritone voice.

I celebrate food, ask for help, interrupt conversations, laugh and cry hard, acknowledge the elephant in most rooms, fight for the underdog and believe in the power of storytelling.

My word for the year is “leap.” If something scares me, I do it.

I was born and raised in Dubai and currently live in the beautiful city of Vancouver, known for some of the best sushi in the world.