On dunking goldfish in tartar sauce, Zen Elmo and finding my true hunger.
by Tina Francis | Twitter: @teenbug
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About four years ago, I got in a heated discussion screaming-sobbing-snot-filled-straight-up-gangsta-fight with a family member who will remain anonymous–let’s call this person “Jo”–about finances (or lack thereof) and my futile attempts at looking for a job. After a month of sending out cover letters and resumes, Jo gave me a newspaper clipping and suggested I apply for a position I was insanely overqualified for.
“ You can’t get emotional about it,” Jo said. “You just have to be a grown-up.”
I knew in my heart that if I did this particular job, I would start dimming my light, thinking small and believing that this was the best I could do. It broke my heart that Jo wanted me to settle, didn’t want me to strive for more and couldn’t see why I was offended.
I started crying so hard, tears were pouring out of every orifice of my (upper) body. I grabbed my purse, car keys and started barreling down the street.
With one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand on my phone, I started calling my “lifelines.” You know, the peeps you call when your jeans don’t fit, your credit card blinks “Insufficient funds” and your grandmother is really sick.
After two unanswered calls, something in my gut pushed me to call Idelette, who was still a relatively new friend at the time.
Idelette has a secret superpower–I think of her as “Zen Elmo.” With two seemingly simple words, “Oh sweetie,” and her head cocked to the side, all mortals feel accepted, understood and smothered in love.
A Big Hunger
I sobbed as I breathlessly recounted the details of the fight with Jo. To clarify, this was not a drama-queen “I’m not getting my way” tantrum cry. This was a “I don’t know what I’m doing/ My life is a mess/ I have officially hit rock bottom/ I did six years of school and have no marketable skills/ I’m a freaking liability/ Does anybody care?” gut-curdling cry.
“I had to leave the house,” I told her. “If I stayed, I’d eat everything in the fridge and the pantry. I’d eat till I was sick, and then I’d cry because nothing I ate would satisfy me.”
“Oh sweetie …” she said. “You’re hungry.”
“No,” I replied, “I’m not hungry.”
“No, I mean, you are huuungry. You are hungry for more out of life. You are hungry to live out your purpose, your dreams, your passions. You are hungry to use your talents. You have BIG dreams on the inside of you. You have a BIG hunger you are trying to fill.” She paused. “Sweetheart, you are hungry!”
A Sick Heart
This was the first time I had heard the word “hungry” being used in a positive way. I’d been medicating my “hunger” on the surface but never acknowledged my real hunger, my real desires, that were thrashing around like an angry tidal wave on the inside of me.
Proverbs 13:12 says:
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Good Lord, my unmet desires were making my heart sick.
Fast forward to March, when I’m talking to my friend Julie. Much like Idelette, Julie too has a superpower; she has an uncanny Yoda-like ability to look into my eyes and see the muddy backroads of my soul. I told her the story of the straight-up-gangsta-fight with my family that eventually led to my big moment of enlightenment.
I told her how I’d been learning that “being hungry” is not a bad thing and how I’d noticed a gradual change in my eating habits. I now ask myself, “What are you really hungry for?” before eating. I realized that I tend to eat even when what I really need sometimes is sleep, a hug, a bath or a phone call with a friend.
“Have you heard of Rachel Cole?” Julie beamed, “This is exactly what she talks about.”
What are you truly hungry for?
When I Googled Rachel Cole I was thrilled to find out she was having a “Retreatshop” in Seattle called “The Well Fed Woman.” The words “well fed” made my toes curl. It oozed abundance, acceptance and affirmation. I knew she was my kind of girl when I read the tagline on her website, “What are you truly hungry for?”
Rachel affirmed some truths I’d been learning on own my journey and taught me some new ways of articulating my relationship with food and hunger.
Here are some nuggets that resonated deep in my belly:
1. Identify your Primary Hunger.
One of the things Rachel articulated beautifully was distinguishing between your Primary Hunger and Secondary hunger.
She gave an example, “If you want a date night with your husband, perhaps the primary hunger is connection, physical touch, intimacy, play or communion.”
So on the surface, it may seem like what I want is to lose weight (secondary hunger), but what I really want (my primary hungers) might be unconditional love, or to feel accepted, or to feel at home in my body.
It takes courage to dig deep and unearth the raw hunger sitting at your core.
2. We can’t feed the hungers we don’t know.
It’s like dunking a goldfish in a creamy tartar sauce, instead of water. Sure, I love lemony mayo, capers and tarragon as much as the next girl, but that little Petsmart fishie needs water to breathe and live!
Soooo … [scratching head] when I’m watching Real Housewives of Vancouver, “just-to-see-what-all-the-fuss-is-about,” with a bag of Cheetos, what I really need after a long day at work might be a hug?
So many times I’m the goldfish sputtering about in tartar sauce, self-medicating with food, Facebook, Netflix, blogs or Pinterest.
I needed to create pockets where my true hungers could be made known.
Rachel says, “The practice of digging deeper is essential to being a well-fed woman. We must look under the covers, peel back the layers and expose what wants to be fed.”
3. When we receive our beautiful hungers, the “how” takes care of itself.
Once I figured out the hungers I was denying and misplacing, it got easier to make decisions that truly feed me. The habits that are right for me, may not be right for you, but here are some things that have really helped me:
- Before I eat I ask myself, “Tina, what are you really hungry for?” Is it food, sleep or a pee-break? Sometimes it’s a plate of good ol’ fashioned food. But every once in a while, I’m pouring myself a cup of coffee, when I actually want to shampoo my hair and read my new Joan Didion book in a towel turban.
- I don’t buy fashion magazines. They hijack my mind and make me ache for Heidi Klum’s legs and crave a Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger in the same breath.
- I still have a long way to go on this one, but I got rid of all most of my clothes that fit Mini Me.
- I surround myself with healthy friends who affirm me, but also hold me accountable when I need a reality check.
- I now receive and share wisdom. Three amazing women helped me find deeper clarity on the issue of hunger. Idelette first reframed the word “hungry” for me. I shared Idelette’s story with Julie, who affirmed my journey and pointed me in the direction of Rachel. Rachel gave me fresh language and tools to identify and connect with my true hunger. Now, I’m sharing what I learned from Rachel with you to come alongside you on your journey. See how this works? Karma baby.
- I read what God says about me in the Bible. One of my faves: “You are altogether beautiful, my darling, And there is no blemish in you.” -Songs of Solomon 4:7.
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We are hungry people.
Idelette is right about me, I have big dreams and a big hunger I’m trying to fill. While it seems so much easier to numb or ignore my true hungers, I’m learning that denying them leads to an unsatisfied, famished life.
I want to savour, delight and relish life. I don’t want to be imprisoned by insecurity, jealousy, exhaustion, criticism and guilt. I want a better life, a life for freedom, for myself, and my girlfriends.
What would a world with women unified with their true hungers look like?
In the words of Michaelangelo, (the orange-masked turtle whirling pizzas, not the Italian Renaissance artist): “Cowabunga!”
Mind. Blown.
Marianne Williamson says it beautifully in this prayer:
Dear God,
Please free me
from false appetites
and take away my pain.
Take from me my compulsive self,
and show me who I am.
Dear God,
Please give me a new beginning.
Unchain my heart
so I might live
a freer life at last.
Amen.
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So, dear ones, I want to leave you with some of Rachel’s brilliant questions:
- Today and tomorrow the hunger I need to feed is _______ .
- What gets in the way of you feeding your truest hungers?
- If you have a busy schedule and are really strapped for time, what is one way you could feed yourself in the shower, in traffic, in the kitchen, etc.?
Love you more than Coconut Mango Oat Muffins,
xoxo,
Teen
To read more TGIFs from Tina: Click here.
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My name is Tina. Loved ones call me: Teen.
Words are my chocolate. Music, my caramel. Photography, my bread. Girlfriends, my butter.
Confession: Some girls dream about Manolo Blahniks or their next Hermes bag. Not me. I dream of freshly baked bread, perfectly barbecued meat & steaming bowls of Pho. My dream lover *cue Mariah Carey song* is someone who would read out a menu to me in Barry White’s baritone voice.
I celebrate food, ask for help, interrupt conversations, laugh and cry hard, acknowledge the elephant in most rooms, fight for the underdog and believe in the power of storytelling.
I was born and raised in Dubai and currently live in the beautiful city of Vancouver, known for some of the best sushi in the world.
Have you ever watched a flower bloom? No, really watched a rosebud as it slowly opens up to reveal the majesty of its creation?
