Tales from the Parenting Trenches

“In modeling compassion towards our children, we may teach them to be kind to themselves. We can help them develop the courage to be imperfect.”

By Sabrina Connell | Twitter: @sabrinaconnell

The past two weeks have been particularly challenging for me as a mother. Recently, my five-year-old son has taken his desire for autonomy to a new level that has reduced me to tears and gripped me with a churning stomach, dripping in sweaty frustration. I have had the overwhelming feeling that while I may love him, I haven’t necessarily liked him.

Downward Spiral

Together, my son and I have been pulling one another into an awful downward spiral of irritability. The more frequently he tantrum-ed, the more quickly I responded in a harsh manner–even when he may not have deserved it, which inevitably left him more likely to tantrum.

On and on the cycle continued.

After a long, drawn out match between us last night, I realized that my efforts to correct him had left him feeling bad, not with regret or remorse–which may have spurred a behaviour change–but with the feeling of being vulnerable, weak and disliked.

I’d failed to make it clear that it was not him, but his behavior that irritated me.

Perspective

Once I had time to step away from the heat of the moment, it occurred to me that his actions may have been the result of his insecurities  over changes in his preschool situation. He’s adjusting to an additional classroom, a different teacher, and a new set of peers. He’s feeling the turbulence that comes with change. Even as an adult, I hate being “new” because of the vulnerability that comes with it. How much worse is that feeling for a child whose identity and sense of self are just beginning to form?

A young child’s sense of self-worth develops slowly over a period of time and is strongly influenced by the behaviors of those individuals who are most important to her. Those who believe they are a source of joy and delight for others are more likely to develop a positive self-concept.

If a parent’s frustration consistently leaves a child feeling incompetent, it is likely that those feelings may become central to that child’s sense of self. Children confirm how they should feel about themselves by absorbing how others feel about them, and how a child feels about himself in his early years can set a pattern for the rest of his life.

School-aged children, in particular, are often consumed by the question: “Do they like me?”

Imperfection allowed

By nature, we are all flawed and vulnerable, yet we are designed to desire the approval of others. It’s important for our children to realize that imperfection is okay, that when they are unpleasant, they are still loveable and likeable.

Dr. Brene Brown, a professor of social work at the University of Houston, says our job is to look to our children and say, “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” In modeling compassion towards our children, we may teach them to be kind to themselves. We can help them develop the courage to be imperfect.

I missed my mothering mark this week and forgot to show compassion. I missed an opportunity to remind my son that I liked him, despite his flaws. Can one lousy week ruin his self-esteem and sense of self? I doubt it, but admittedly I have some damage repair to do. I need to work towards a discipline of maintaining my own composure and enforcing a consistent consequence when he acts out. In my case, this means walking away and allowing myself time to decompress before engaging in negotiations with him. I also have to be conscientious about balancing my critique of his behavior with positive and affirming statements.

Fred Rogers, ended each episode of his television program Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood by saying to his young audience: “You’ve made this day a special day just by being you. There’s no person in the whole world like you and I like you just the way you are.”

These have become my go-to lines with my own kids. Of course they’ll need updating as my children age, but for now they seem to work.

At the end of the day, I am the only mother on the planet that has the pleasure of embracing my kids–no other mother gets to experience them. When I consider that, I feel immeasurably grateful.

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So, my SheLoves sisters, I would love to know:

• What practices or routines do you use to remind your children they are likeable and worthy of love?
• What parenting challenges have you been experiencing?
• Any other thoughts or comments?

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• View Brene Brown’s TED Talk
• For more Fred-spiration, check out my favourite song of his, “It’s you I like.”

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About Sabrina:

An artist-turned-academic, Sabrina spends her days navigating between a wide variety of roles including that of mother, wife, graduate student, researcher and daydreamer. She is currently a doctoral student in the Communication Studies program at Northwestern University where she researches the various ways in which children and parents engage media and technology and the potential effects these interactions might have on the development of children. Prior to her time at Northwestern, Sabrina earned a Master’s degree in child development from Tufts University, as well as a Master of Arts in puppetry from the University of Connecticut. She has a passion for all things involving play, whimsy and the art of nurturing.

Tantrum image from thestir.cafemom.com

Imperfection image from flickr.com

On Lent, fasting and what God requires of us.

“We are not able to substitute a forty-day fast for daily habits of justice.”

By Kelley Johnson-Nikondeha | Twitter: @keljnik

On the eve of Ash Wednesday, many of the faithful turn their thoughts to fasting. “What should I fast for the forty days of Lent?”  However, I imagine other questions circulating like: “What is the purpose of fasting? Does fasting even work?”

God seems to speak right into this very line of questioning in Isaiah 58. I’d like to imagine that He said these words right before a holy day or amid the preparations for a religious festival on the Jewish calendar. Right in the thick of the ritual fast, right as the people were questioning the efficacy of fasting … He spoke.

The people ask God why He does not give them His divine attention as they are fasting and sacrificing so much. And the response: “You call this a fast?  You might be denying yourself some little things but you continue to indulge in injustice by paying low wages, exploiting your workers, quarreling and getting into fist fights.”

God then outlined the kind of fast that would get His attention:

“ … to break the chains of injustice, get rid of exploitation in the workplace, free the oppressed, cancel debts.” (The Message)

He continued saying that when we share our food, our home, our clothes and our time with our neighbors, then we will have His attention.

When we participate in the work of justice–it is a holy and God-ordained enterprise. When we are advocating for land rights, refusing to purchase goods made with slave labor, securing identity cards for women at the margins and demanding better education in the ghetto, we work in tandem with God. When we engage in such work, we already have His proximity, His presence and His undivided attention. When we pay fair wages to our employees, create safe work environments, help a single mother with childcare or invite a famished friend to our table–we already have God’s attention.

God does not require a ritual fast, He asks for us to be good neighbors. We are not able to substitute a forty-day fast for daily habits of justice. So fasting does not work as a gimmick to garner God’s attention. We know that He is near to the broken-hearted and so when we draw near to them as well, we are all closer to Him as we move toward justice, abundance and goodness in the neighborhood.

But God is not done with His admonition. He tells the dissatisfied fasters that if they begin to feed the hungry and tend to the afflicted, amazing things will begin to happen around them! God promises to guide them, nourish and strengthen them. And then there is this:

“You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundation from out of your past. You’ll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild, renovate, make the community livable again.” (The Message)

The image here is of a rundown neighborhood– a ghetto or slum. This broken-down place has been abandoned over the years, all those who could moved out to the suburbs where there were better schools and safer streets. Nothing works right in the ‘hood, just a tangle of people trying to get by on the crumbs of society. Sometimes they resort to violence and other vices–it is a hard place and nowhere you want to live. We drive a few extra miles in our air-conditioned cars to avoid this very place.

But when we care about neighbors and neighborhoods, we are drawn to these trouble spots.  We sit on the stoop and listen to the elderly speak, we watch the kids cut across the dilapidated playground and we see the women at the bus stop returning from the day shift.  And then we start to imagine something better for these neighbors.

We become known as “the fixers” who can come in and set things right and get things done!  We know how to take the old and repurpose it, to refurbish the run-down homes and renovate (dare we say innovate) schools.  We become those who carry God’s potential for newness into the neighborhood, transforming it into a livable community. Lives and landscapes transformed by neighborliness … this is what God had in mind all along.

And as neighborhoods are turned around, we are given new names:

“You shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to live in.”

God beckons us to be good neighbors, the kind of neighbors who little by little, one kindness at a time, reimagine and renovate entire neighborhoods. 

“Good neighbors, not good fasters.  This is what gets God’s attention.”

One thing that is clear in God’s comment on fasting is that He does not desire religious rituals in place of justice. He does not want fasting on holy days– but rather justice every day.  He does not want us to bring our offering to the temple if we have some unresolved matter with a friend. God wants us to be good neighbors–so justice and reconciliation always come before rituals, even before the spiritual practices of fasting and almsgiving.

I embrace the practice of fasting as a valuable spiritual discipline. I will be fasting for Lent. But I believe that fasting is about soul-shaping, not a means to get God’s attention and never a substitute for daily rhythms of neighborliness.

I want to have a new name – something along the lines of “the restorer of streets to live in.” In order to be that woman, the practice of fasting just might help me shave off some rough edges and reorient my heart. Fasting is a tool in my hand, not a gimmick or magic trick. For me, the practice of fasting will help shape me into a woman worthy of a name change!

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My dear SheLoves friends, I’d love to hear:

• What has been your experience with fasting?
• Are you planning on a fast for Lent?
• Any other thoughts or comments?

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AUDIO DOWNLOAD

Audio: ShePonders: Fasting

Click on the link above for an audio experience of Kelley’s post.

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For further reading:

• For a good introduction to the idea and practice of fasting during Lent, check out this article by my friend and former instructor, Mark Roberts: Do you have to give up something for Lent?
• Also, here’s my post from Ash Wednesday last year: I am Pleased: Thoughts on Lent, Fasting and Eschewing Religion.

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About Kelley:

Kelley Johnson Nikondeha is co-director of Amahoro Africa and international staff member of Community of Faith with her husband Claude. She’s a thinker, connector, advocate, avid reader and mother of two beautiful children. Kelley lives between Arizona and Burundi. She loves handwritten letters, homemade pesto and anything written by Walter Brueggemann.

Seeking Eve Monday

“This ride feels like … life after numb.”

By Christina Crook

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Sometime, being like Eve on that very first day, naked before the Lord, means listening to those inner truths. Giving legs to the still small voice.

Some summers ago, I climbed aboard a mountain bike, seeking out the Word that called me out on to the open road.

“God calls me out of my cave, out of my tent, to remind me that HE is still certain.”

By Fiona Koefoed-Jespersen | Twitter: @fiona_lynne

My One Word for the year is “BRAVE.” I decided I was lacking some courage, and thought maybe declaring it over myself each morning would help me step outside my comfort zone a little more often.

Just three months ago, I moved to a new city in a new country. I come from England and since I left home at 18, I have lived in Scotland, California and South Africa. The last four years I’ve lived in Brussels–where I met my husband–and at the end of November, we packed up our things and moved a few hours down the road to the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg. Despite having moved around so much, the change was much harder than I had anticipated.

We moved for my husband’s career in a global technology corporation. I’d been working as a lobbyist for a development NGO and although I am still passionate about the issues, I was fed up with the politics and beaurocratic wrangling and happy to be moving on. But my own next steps in work are still unclear.

And so moving has brought a dozen questions crowding to the forefront of my mind:

-Who am I? What is my purpose?

- What am I supposed to be doing with my days?

- Where should I be serving? What about church? Will there be a role for me there? Will I be able to find strong women mentors to stretch and challenge me again?

- Who will be my friends to share my dreams and struggles with? What do I say when people ask, “So, what do you do?”

With the uncertainty and questions have come an element of pride and stubbornness. I miss the role I had in my previous church. I miss being known by everyone. I miss the job I had that allowed me to mingle with CEOs and directors and politicians. Many days I find I have lost the sense of being worth something.

Anchors

At the beginning of the year, I exchanged some emails with an e-friend I got to know through blogging.Through our conversation, I rediscovered two scenes in the Bible that have helped anchor me in the storm of emotions.

1. Get out of your cave

The first picture is of Elijah, standing at the entrance to a cave, high up in the mountains. He’d just had a battle of supernatural proportions against the prophets of Baal, and Elijah’s God, the one true God of Israel, had shown his glory and splendour! This made Elijah rather unpopular, so he’d fled into the mountains, fearful for his life, doubting himself and his mission.

God asked Elijah: What are you doing here?–and Elijah poured out his frustration and despair to him. The Lord told him: Go out of the cave and stand on the mountain in my presence.

Get out of your cave. It may feel like the safest place to be right now, but that is not where I am. I am out here, on the mountain, waiting to speak to you …

2. Come out of your tent

A few hundred years earlier, another doubting man lay in his tent, fearful and wondering. He poured out his heart to God: You have made me so many promises. You told me not to fear, that you are my shield and my great reward, but all I know is that my wife Sarah and I are still childless and I do not understand what’s happening to us.

Then God took him outside his tent and said, Look up! While you lie in your tent you see only your own circumstances, your own abilities and your own strength. But I, your God, am bigger and stronger. Try and count the stars. You can’t! But this is how many your descendants will be. If I can throw the stars into their orbits, I can give you a child. Trust me.

These two pictures continue to speak to me. Two men, doubting the promises made to them, doubting the mission given to them, doubting their ability to fulfil their calling. Lacking courage.

And God spoke to them where they were and said, Come out! See how much bigger, mightier, more faithful and more loving I am than you had imagined.

On Being Brave

It was easier for me to be brave when I had a good job, many local friends, a recognised role at church, a community to be part of. It is harder to be brave when all that seems uncertain.

But this is why I can be brave this year, in this new city and country: Because God calls me out of my cave, out of my tent, to remind me that HE is still certain.

- I can be brave to step out and meet new people, knowing that my closest friend will never leave me nor forsake me.

- I can be brave to go out and ask for work, learn a new language and seek out new opportunities in my career, being confident that he who began a good work in me will bring it to completion.

- I can be brave to explore new ministry opportunities in the church here because I know I am surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses to inspire and encourage me.

- I can be brave about getting to know a new neighbourhood, a new culture, a new way of life, because I know that my God, who is enthroned from of old, does not change.

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About Fiona: 

I’m an event planner, living in Luxembourg with my Danish husband. I love throwing parties and dinners, gathering people together, seeing the new friendships and plans that emerge. I love seeing people find their role in God’s big story. I like to bake and travel and pick up new traditions.

My word for the year is “brave,” because I don’t want to let fear be the reason I miss out on all God has for me. I blog at fionalynne.com/blog and tweet at @fiona_lynne.

Image credit: Brave butterfly via BraveGirlsClub.com

” … we weave a banner of love as nouns and verbs to guard and protect …”

By Sarah Bessey

Blog: www.emergingmummy.com | Twitter: @sarahbessey

Have you seen these images floating around the Internet, on your Facebook newsfeed or maybe on Pinterest?

I understand what people are trying to say. Really, I do. I’m a woman with curves myself and I’ve made a promise to my daughters that I will not call myself fat. Trust me, I get it.

But this type of thing?

Not helping women at all.

Because shame never helps.

Has shame ever helped a woman? This is just the other side of that same “You’re not enough” coin. One side telling us that we are not enough because we are not thin and the other telling us that we are not enough because we are not curvy. The coin is flipped–over and over–and all we “win” is the Divide-and-Conquer strategy of the enemy for the daughters of God, a planting and tending of that old Compare-and-Contrast seed of jealousy, undermining relationships, courage, guts, friendship, vulnerability, sisterhood.

We won’t shame each other into wholeness. Or love. Or acceptance. Or freedom. For the anorexic or the obese or the alcoholic or the drug addict or any one else engaged in a battle. We only shame each other–ourselves?–into negative, terrible patterns, behaviours, ways of thinking, bondage, division. Shame is insidious because it can sound reasonable to our own ears, but it always ends in the same place: a prison.

And sadly, so much of what passes as “empowering women” is really only another form of shame, an updated version of “worthless” unless you measure up.

Beloved, the voice of God–in your life, in the pages of your Bible, whispering in your heart, spoken in your own mouth–will not shame you.

No, God’s voice tells you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, that he lavishes love on you, that he is the giver of every good gift in your life, that you are treasured, created and chosen.  (You can read more about that here through the Father’s Love Letter.)

And when we are women of God, we speak the same language of love for and about each other,

we weave a banner of love as nouns and verbs to guard and protect,

to trail-blaze, for our mothers, our daughters:

you are beautiful, you have worth, you are valuable – NOW.

I love you, I see you, I hear you, my sister.

So put that on Pinterest.

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About Sarah:

Sarah Bessey lives in British Columbia, Canada with her husband and three tinies. She’s a happy clappy Jesus-lover, non-profit marketing director, blogger, writer and simple living/social justice wannabe. She blogs at www.emergingmummy.com and tweets from @sarahbessey.

Thoughts on the eve of my 30th birthday.

by Tina Francis | Twitter: @teenbug
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“You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.”
— Garrison Keillor

Now That I’m Older …

I think twice before using the word “hate.”
I invest in good friends and good bras.
I avoid “beauty” magazines.

I say, “I don’t know.” Often.
I lean into the uncomfortable.
I feel pain and beauty. Deeply.

I know that …
I’m not as “fat, ugly or stupid” as I feel.
Everyone needs a friend they can call at 4am.
I like my eggs sunny-side up.

I sip, I savour, I sing.
I ferment, I fiddle, I fail.

There is something about …
“Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac that makes me weep.
A drastic haircut that feels like a second chance at life.
A kind heart that is sexy-as-heck.

Poetry trumps the news.
Channel pain to create art.
Don’t wait for perfect. Do it now.

I now know that …
Hurt people, hurt people.
Friends break hearts.
Friends (also) heal hearts.

Mama does know best.

Debauchery is a raisin Danish with a custard centre
Anger is a broken heart in disguise
Life is “brutiful” (brutal + beautiful)

I now know that …
There are no answers.
Only stories.
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Oh Stevie … your voice wrecks me.

“Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?”

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My dear ones …

- Have you had a milestone birthday?
- Do any of my truths resonate with you?
- What do you know now, that you wish you knew then?

Love you more than Potato Chip Cookies, (<- Recipe)
xoxo,
Teen

To read more TGIFs from Tina: Click here.

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My name is Tina. Loved ones call me: Teen.

Words are my chocolate. Music, my caramel. Photography, my bread. Girlfriends, my butter.

Confession: Some girls dream about Manolo Blahniks or their next Hermes bag. Not me. I dream of freshly baked bread, perfectly barbecued meat & steaming bowls of Pho. My dream lover *cue Mariah Carey song* is someone who would read out a menu to me in Barry White’s baritone voice.

I celebrate food, ask for help, interrupt conversations, laugh and cry hard, acknowledge the elephant in most rooms, fight for the underdog and believe in the power of storytelling.

My word for the year is “leap.” If something scares me, I do it.

I was born and raised in Dubai and currently live in the beautiful city of Vancouver, known for some of the best sushi in the world.

“In the garment of justice, your love is an irreplaceable thread.”

By Stephanie Motz Skinner | Twitter: @stephmotz

The word “justice” scares me. It’s not difficult to observe the world and recognise the countless ways in which some people suffer. Simply being offended by cruelty and exploitation actually requires very little of me. Action is far more expensive.

I think recognising an injustice can be a confrontational experience; even intimidating. By its very nature, injustice cries out for a rectification or a remedy. But with the magnitude of the pain we observe, it’s easy to feel defeated.

I felt encouraged then when I heard of a group of SheLoves sisters will be roadtripping to the Justice Conference in Portland, Oregon next week. The Justice Conference? I have never heard of such a thing, but what a brilliant testament to the fact that there are numbers of people out there now who realize it’s simply unacceptable to stay paralyzed by feelings of insignificance when we are awakened to the suffering in our world.

When I checked out the website from my home here in Uganda, I saw the Justice Conference has a beautiful message to share … a refreshing way of helping me understand what justice looks like.

“Justice,” they say, “is a garment, a billion threads, interwoven, interlocked, knit together with strength and integrity. Pull one thread from the fabric and the garment begins to fray.”

Some of the issues the conference will tackle are exploitation, human trafficking, hunger, genocide, gender violence, gender equality, the environment and immigration. Just reading through that list can seem terrifying, but it made me realize how much is at stake here. These issues are so entrenched in our world that nobody can contend against them alone. Every simple and small contribution is needed if we want to overcome them.

The promotional video for the conference ends with this powerful statement: “In the garment of justice, your love is an irreplaceable thread.” And I would add that each one of our voices and individual talents are also necessary. Maybe you’ve heard that before, but it really motivated me this month and I often need to remind myself of it.

Confession

I know we are not meant to be competing against each other, but the truth is, at times, I can feel insecure. Sometimes I find myself looking at what other people are doing to fight injustice and I can begin to believe I have nothing to offer or I’m not doing enough.

But, I’m learning we can’t all be running the same race. It is necessary that we each have something different to contribute. It’s natural that we each align our hearts with a specific issue … a calling that resonates in us individually. As I think of this, and I imagine the garment of justice, I see colour and diversity–an intricate and beautiful pattern.

There is space for all of us.

 Different issues, Different talents

I’m thankful that SheLoves opens doors of opportunity for us to respond to injustice. Here, we support each other and learn from each other’s experiences. We are invited to be a part of so many different stories, but we are also encouraged in our individual journeys.

I’ve seen here, at She Loves, how many of our sisters are driven to action because they are passionate about finding solutions to a specific issue, and they use what is in their hands to respond.

Let’s take one issue–human trafficking–as an example. I admire how Tara Teng used her platform as Miss Canada to shed light on the issue. We need women like Tara to speak out. But, we also need the people who invest their lives working in the field to rehabilitate women and children who have been rescued from slavery. We need women like Danielle, who used her voice and art to raise funds for Abolition International. We need women like Katherine and Annette, who are creating a film to raise awareness.

I appreciate that, even though we can’t do it all–we can’t all travel, create films, fundraise or speak in public–we can still be a part of other people’s journeys and they can be a part of ours. Whether we are cheering others on, donating or praying, we all have the opportunity to help keep the garment of justice together and I’m thankful that each thread matters.

I’m reminded again: None of us can do it all, but we can all do something.

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My dear SheLoves friends, I wonder:

• What comes to mind when you hear the word “justice”?
• Are you going to the Justice Conference?
• What issues shake you and inspire you to act?

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About Stephanie:
I believe in the power of storytelling. I’m a photographer and writer for Fakeleft. Together with my husband, we love sharing stories of courage, of strength in the face of adversity, of triumph and hope. I truly believe that by partnering with others who want to bring change and justice to our world, we can actually make a difference.  I’m learning to walk in my nascent faith, but it’s not always easy. It’s an interesting journey.

I am currently living in Uganda, but my heart is everywhere. I’m a proud Latina from Choluteca, Honduras. I wish I had a Spanish accent. My favourite meal is dessert and my favourite sport is tanning. I blog at fakeleft.com/blog and tweet at @stephmotz

By Kerstin Knaack | Twitter: @KerstinKnaack

” If I don’t share my life and the difficult journey I have made, it will be harder for God to work through me.”

I am ten weeks pregnant. It takes courage for me to tell you that.

Why? This is my fourth pregnancy–my first three babies are in heaven.

I am from Germany. There, we don’t usually tell people we are pregnant until the fourth month of pregnancy. But several weeks ago, I went to Brazil and found out the women there announce their pregnancies as soon as they have a positive test in their hands. I asked why they do this, considering most miscarriages occur within the first three months. They said that in their culture, they celebrate and mourn together. If something happens to the baby, they come to the mother’s side, offering everything from a big hug to cooking for her or massaging her feet. Whatever she needs, they journey with her.

Loss

My first miscarriage was in 2009 in the eighth week; the second was in 2011 in the 33rd week and the third was at the end of 2011 in the 12th week. All these losses were difficult, but to give birth to a dead baby in the ninth month of pregnancy was definitely the most painful.

After the third miscarriage, I wasn’t able to pray or worship. My heart ached, but I had good friends who carried me through. When I was far from God, they spoke life and truth over me. My church gathered around and carried me. When I couldn’t pray, they prayed for me; when I couldn’t worship, they worshiped for me.

I knew that death doesn’t come from God — He is love and nothing bad comes from him—but He did allow this to happen.

Restoration

After several weeks, I reached a place where I was able to think about my situation in a different way. If God allowed this to happen, there must be something good within these situations. This was a turning point for me—I wanted to turn bad into good. It was a decision, not a feeling. I chose to no longer accept being bound by lies.

So many good things happened as a result of my miscarriages:

- my marriage to my husband Rainer became stronger and we decided to give 100 percent of our lives to God, stepping into His purpose for us

- the opportunity developed to do an internship at Relate Church, Canada, with Pastors John and Helen Burns

- my father returned to my life after 28 years of rejection

- friends put their lives into Jesus’ hands.

Overcoming

From now on, I will no longer hide. I have discovered that it is healthy for me to talk about how I feel and which thoughts and emotions have kept me away from God. If I don’t share my life and the difficult journey I have made, it will be harder for God to work through me. I want Him to use me to help other women and to fulfill His plan.

That’s why I am openly telling people that I am pregnant for the fourth time.

Is it easy for me to enjoy my pregnancy? Definitely not. Every day I am reminded of the past, the positive pregnancy tests; pictures of my big belly; the ultrasounds; the decorated nursery; the movements in my belly; memories of the day I was told our daughter had passed away; the pain of giving birth to a dead baby and the joy of having her in our arms; the invoice from the funeral parlor.

Stepping Forward in Faith

How do I deal with these images and the daily fear of possibly having the same pain again? There is no magic solution–it’s a journey every day. I think back to those Brazilian women, who understand what sisterhood means and I know that if I fall, my sisterhood will carry me. And I talk about it. If I am overwhelmed by fear, I ask my husband or a friend to help me.

The opposite of fear is faith. God holds my life in His hands. I trust Him.

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 About Kerstin

Kerstin Knaack was born and raised in the city of Kirchheim, Germany. She and her husband Rainer are currently involved in an internship at Relate Church in Surrey, BC, where they are learning to be leaders and teachers in the area of  marriage, family and sexuality.  Their long-term vision is to teach on these topics and to raise a large family of their own.

On Massage Parlor Wisdom and Five-year-old Agape

“True love, or biblical love, doesn’t need to fill a deficit. True love … is an overflow.”

By Danielle Strickland | Twitter: @djstrickland

When my son had just started Kindergarten, we had an enlightening conversation about love. I guess some boys and girls were teasing each other about love and my son wanted to know what it meant.

Love: just some light after-school conversation!

I told him there were all kinds of different words in the Bible for love. And explained a few: philios–which is brotherly/sisterly love and eros–which is sexual love, the kind between a husband and a wife. (Of course he let out a big “yuck!”) Then there is agape–the love God has for the whole world–a love that is based on God’s own character and not on the recipient. In other words, I explained, there’s nothing we could ever do to make God love us less. God loves us because he has agape for us. A love based on his own goodness. It’s relentless. This love will never stop and this is the love that will always win.

My son seemed to understand and went off skipping ahead of me, up the street. A few minutes later, he was jumping up in the air and waving his arms towards heaven.

“What are you doing?” I asked, once I caught up with him.

“I’m just giving God some agape!” he replied.

Infatuated Love

For me, one of the deeply troubling parts of our world is its hyper-sexualized concept of love. Valentine’s Day is all about love–an infatuated eros kind of love. Many of my single friends think it’s the worst day of the year–where all their fears of being alone and “unloved” come to the fore. So much of society joins in this chorus that without a sexual relationship you are somehow incomplete.

This is simply not true. As amazing as the Jerry McGuire scene “You complete me” is–it’s simply not a healthy version of true love. True love, or biblical love doesn’t need to fill a deficit. True love (the Godly kind) is an overflow. It’s an extension of God himself within us. It’s the fullness of God, a God of love who fills us in every way. That infilling of a holy love–not a distorted kind. Not the needy, emotionally vacant, co-dependent love that needs to be held, gifted and coddled into “feeling a certain way,” reliant on warm fuzzies to make our hearts glad we found each other … but a love that gives freely, lives deeply and doesn’t care about “pay-back” and the amount of money someone spent on a gift, or any gift at all!

Massage Parlour Wisdom

I was doing some chaplaincy in a massage parlour and this subject came up. They said Valentine’s Day is one of their worst days of the year. I asked why? They said it was because they knew all the men they see on this day are mostly all married and on their way to the store to buy something to assure their wives that they “loved” them.

The women I know who work in the sex industry already hate men (and for good reason)–but this time they said they had to physically restrain themselves from being sick to their stomachs as men even asked them for suggestions of good gifts. One of the women actually said to a man: How ‘bout you stop buying sex from me!

Great suggestion.

What made the women I talk to sick, is the basic understanding that love is something more than showing up with a gift on a certain day of the year. It runs deeper than that. Living an illusion of love is violence to each of us at our core–because we were made by a God of Love for real Love. True love. Not some sham of an erotic connection. Actually, love has a lot less to do with emotional feelings and sexual intimacy than we may ever fully understand.

The kind of love we are after is much deeper than that. And we need to start communicating honestly in a society that is sex-crazed on what true love really means.

I remember a Nigerian student at The War College in Vancouver, walking down the street with an American student. The Nigerian student was excited to have a new friend and instinctively took the other student’s hand in his as they walked together. You can imagine the surprise of the American student!

In Nigeria this is a perfectly normal expression of friendship. And when you actually think of it–it’s kind of beautiful. How sad it was to hear the American student give the Nigerian an “education” on the inappropriate nature of this expression of friendship in Canada. Somehow, when I was listening I was saddened inside–that our emotional connections can’t be solidified with honest interaction and helpful communication. Instead, everything we do, everything we say is judged through a sexual lense.

Eros Defiled

Chris Hedges writes an amazing (albeit quite a graphic) chapter on “The Illusion of Love in America” in his book Empire of Illusion as he takes a look into the Porn industry and its epic growth as our definition of love sinks lower and lower into the depths of Eros defiled. He suggests that we are simply believing a lie that love is at all connected to sexual degradation because it’s easier to believe than actually trying to live a better way. I think he’s right. And the fact that porn is one of the fastest growing industries in the world–at the expense of women, children and men who fall prey to its lie–is something we really must speak about.

Let’s stand up for Love by getting past Eros and giving out some Agape today. Let’s live for a deeper kind of love.

Living the Truth

I think this will be the secret to really exposing the lie: live the truth. If we want people to understand what love really looks like–we are going to have to show them … modeling a life that is based on agape love–a love that gives and overflows and is generous and open and full. A love that cheers and celebrates others’ successes and desires to see everyone live full, lovely lives. We need to model a love that isn’t stuck in the muck of physical lust and desire–using and taking and holding things for ourselves.

We need to live a different way. We need a deep revelation of this agape love that will saturate and overcome the shallow temptation of lust and attraction.

God help us to live lives full of true Love!

________________________________________

About Danielle
Danielle serves Jesus as the Corps Officer of Crossroads Community in Edmonton, Canada. Her passion is social justice, including establishing human trafficking response teams in local situations and giving leadership to the global team for the Stop The Traffik campaign. Danielle speaks and teaches around the world and has written several books: Just Imagine: the social justice agenda, Challenging Evil and The Liberating Truth: How Jesus Empowers Women. Danielle is married and has two sons.

Image credit: Apple Love, by Dorota Kaszczyszyn

On Valentine’s Day and for every day.

For my sisters in Berlin and Bubanza, Taipei and Toronto. For my sisters on facebook and twitter, email and pinterest. For my sisters at Christmas and my sisters on couches. For my sisters in cars and cafes. For the sisters I have met and for those whose stories I have only ever carried in my heart … With Love xo

By Idelette McVicker | Twitter: @idelette

My dear Sister,

I want to be birthed with you

From this big belly of

Sisterhood.

I want to be birthed with you

into our most beautiful, imagined

mirror

of Heaven’s Glory.

I want to be birthed with you

our heads held high

our faces lifted

and shining,

speaking the language of

Dignity, Freedom, Worth.

I want to be birthed with you

So we may belt out the

full range of our voices,

giving expression to the north and south octaves of our lives.

O, imagine the beat

of our hearts together,

sounding a symphony of

Beauty and Grace.

Speaking of Grace,

our beloved sister,

who opened up

the dark closet of

her story and allowed us in.

Then, as we held her precious in the Light and loved off the shame—

she, too, was birthed

into the runner and singer and proclaimer

she had always been.

I want to be birthed with you

So together

we may stand and assist

push and pray

lean in and loosen

one more woman,

into the Light of

her Freedom.

I want to be birthed with you

from this womb made for Goodness and Abundance—

where aches and laughs and hugs grow and bear fruit in our together garden.

Carrying and praying each others’ stories from here to there

and to the ends of the earth.

I want to be birthed with you,

As you birth me.

Together, we are a story that Love makes.

_______________________________

Please consider giving an ID card to our sisters in Bubanza this Valentine’s Day. You can read the original post here.

PURCHASE AN ID CARD HERE:

Please ENTER THE AMOUNT $ you want to donate into the white box HERE and then click “Donate”: 

IMPORTANT:
- Once inside the donation page, please select “No Shipping” and “No State/Province” to avoid extra charges.
- Relate Church is kindly processing the donations.
- Every cent of your donation is going towards identity cards for our sisters in Burundi.

Download this Valentine’s card as a PDF here  and print to give to your Valentine.

Please also SHARE this project with your world, because: 

- This Valentine’s Day, we want to give something that will last long after the roses have wilted and dried.
- This Valentine’s Day, we want to taste the sweet taste of Justice on our tongues.
- This Valentine’s Day, we ask for Dignity for our sisters in Bubanza.

Thank you so much–no, really, thank you–for doing your part, so together we can make a difference.

_____________________________________________________

About Idelette:
I like soggy cereal and I would like to go to every spot on the map of the earth to meet our world’s women.

I dream of a world where no women or girls are for sale. I dream of a world where women and men are partners in doing the work that brings down a new Heaven on earth.

My word for the year is “Roar,” but I have learned it’s not about my voice rising as much as it is about our collective voices rising in unison to bring down walls of injustice.

I have three children and this place–right here, called shelovesmagazine.com–is my fourth baby. I am African, although my skin colour doesn’t tell you that story. I am also a little bit Chinese, because my heart lives there amongst the tall skyscrapers of Taipei and the mountains of Chiufen. Give me sweet chai and I think I’m in heaven. I live in Vancouver, Canada and I pledged my heart to Scott 11 years ago.

I believe in kindness and calling out the song in each other’s hearts. I also believe that Love covers–my gaps, my mistakes and the distances between us. I blog at idelette.com and tweet@idelette.