SheLoves Magazine

Getting Real with Trisha: Owning Privilege

On Jesus, privilege and a Porsche.

By Trisha Baptie | Twitter: @trisha_baptie

Michael Kimmel captures i this short video what I have been thinking about/stewing in/pondering and trying to own as much as possible in my own life.

“Privilege is invisible to those that have it.”–Michael Kimmel

I try to own my privilege. I am white.

Some days I feel that is all I have. I am a single mom with no more that $100 in my savings at any given time. I will never own a house, have no RRSP’s, no GIC’s, no credit cards (Get caught frauding VISA and you’re blacklisted for life … geesh I have never taken my kiddos for a family vacation, I don’t go to the dentist for regular cleanings. (After you buy two kids their glasses, teeth don’t seem as important.) I could go on. To be clear, it’s not even that I particularly want these things, as I see how they can tie people down as much as they can be beneficial … although clean teeth may be good

What do I have?

Kids. Lots of work, lots of moments that remind me what being alive is all about.

Friends. I think everyone should be as blessed as I am. I have deep, longstanding, love-filled friendships, that challenge me, uplift me and breathe life into me.

Health (relatively). I’ve lived a hard life and it was hard on my body. Poverty is hard on the body … the teeth, the mind, the heart, but still, I’m doing pretty good. Plus, I live in a country where health care is a right, not a privilege, so you can’t go too wrong with that.

Food in my fridge, my rent paid, a few added bonuses from those who love me (like a new computer).

So ya, I am blessed. Deeply and profoundly blessed. Yet, my kids and I do have needs that lack solutions for and wants that will always remain a dream.

Poverty also makes articles like this seem really true. In fact, I see this lived out constantly.

Reality Check

I had a friend I love deeply–deeeeeeply–say to me the other day as we were talking about life: “You know you can be a little negative.” It was a criticism, or something to that effect, spoken in love with a titch of “Why aren’t you more grateful?” as a side dish.

I told her some days it’s hard. I walk out my front door and I am confronted with need, want and all the ugly side effects of poverty every moment of every day.

I know when she walks out of her front door to her Porsche she isn’t having the same perspective.

To which she said, “I guess we do live in different socio economic situations.”

We do.

Privilege is invisible to those that have it.

It’s challenging to identify our privilege, identify those who have less than us and do everything we can to use our privilege to empower them. It’s important that we educate within our circle what issues there are, and always step aside to let others teach from their perspective, their truth and their reality.

What’s your privilege?

Jesus, the most privileged as Son of God and being able to call on Abba whenever he wanted, died for us. Jesus died, also to his privilege. It reminds me to die in some way today … And I wonder: do you?

About Trisha
Trisha Baptie is Executive Director of Honour Consulting and founding member of EVE (formerly Exploited Voices now Educating). In 2008 she won BC’s Courage to Come Back Award for her bravery in transitioning to a healthier lifestyle, for giving the murdered women of Vancouver a voice through her trial coverage of Vancouver’s serial killer and for her ongoing activism. Follow Trisha’s tweets at @trisha_baptie or friend her on facebook. She recently founded EVE (formerly Exploited Voices Now Educating.)

Getting Real with Trisha: On Sweden and Experiencing the Effects of the Nordic Model of Prostitution Law

Thoughts and observations from a society where women and girls are not for sale.

By Trisha Baptie | Twitter: @trisha_baptie
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“We had an art show/contest with 200 pieces of art. There was a equal amount of men and women represented and no one knew who had painted what. There were no names on the art and the top 50 pieces were to be picked and put on long-term display. We were surprised by the findings: of the fifty picked, forty were from men. Which suggested what many thought; men were in fact better at art. Or, did it mean something different? Did it mean that men had created the filter in which we judged what ‘good art’ was and that was in fact what needed to be changed.” –Mr. Claes Borgstrom, former Gender Equality Ombudsman, Sweden.

This is the story Claes Borgstrom started his portion of a presentation I was a part of last week in Stockholm. I was part of a two-day program put on by the Swedish Institute for international journalists that looked at the Swedish model of prostitution law and combating human trafficking.

It was a jam-packed two days that representatives from the National Police Board, Prostitution Unit (exiting services), Council of the Baltic Sea States, Former Gender Equality Minister and others presented to us. I recorded the whole two days and will be putting together audio clips together in the coming weeks. What spoke to me the most about society in Sweden, however, were the Swedes themselves.

The Impact of Gender Equality

I acknowledge that being in a major city like Stockholm, I did not see how smaller towns fared, and only being there for about a week I only scratched the surface on all the issues. That said, I was intentional about talking to a wide variety of residents about the laws and culture–like talking to some high school students about what they thought of their country’s laws. I must say what struck me about the young women was their confidence … the fact not one wore a stitch of make-up. In fact, I noticed that throughout my whole time there. I will right here interject some general statements about my observances on my time there, remembering I was in Government offices a good majority of the time, went grocery shopping, ate out, interacted on transit and such.

Women don’t wear make up. Not even kidding. What I noticed more was when women were in fact wearing it.

Heels, or rather the current trend of stilettos that have women from all walks of life and professions here in North America cramming our tender tootsies into them … women don’t wear them there. Again, I could count the number of women wearing stilettos. Once relegated to the uniform of prostituted women, sometimes it seems like all women are “required” to wear them now.

European women are known for their fashion sense. Swedish women are no different. What surprised me about their wonderful fashion sense was not what they wore, but how much material was involved with their clothing.

Was it because of the adverts they saw?

A friend noticed a gym advertisement portraying a woman in real gym clothing, lifting weights as one would in a work-out. Not one thing about that ad was hypersexualized. In fact, it seemed cars, food, liquor, gym memberships, cell phone providers, etc, often had women in their ads, but not any more than men. Still, it was not women’s sexuality that was selling the product. Rather the product seemed to sell itself, the models were just in the ad to hold it up or point it out. It was not the commodification of women’s bodies that sold the item.

I saw rows and rows of magazines and although they were complete gibberish to this non-Swedish speaker, the pictures spoke volumes. It was not rows of perfect bodies in too tight clothing that pushed the cleavage boundary. It was rows of women, some recognizably famous, other not so, but the common theme was their average and non-manicured beauty.

When talking to the high school students, they were baffled at the thought of their male counter parts watching porn, or treating them like some rap videos teach our boys to treat girls. Does flirting happen? Yup. Does teenage sex happen? Yup. What they did know though is that prostitution is self-harm. Not even kidding. That is what they themselves called it–and taught me. It’s self-harm. Prostitution is self-harm and men who buy women, well, shame on them.

Shame: Doing Wrong Against Society

That’s a word they use freely in Sweden about men who buy sex. Shame.

I bristled at that at first, but as they talked I realized the shame they mean is the shame that an act carries with it that is in fact a wrong done against all of society. It is a shame that says, “This is wrong. You know it’s wrong and you know why it’s wrong. (It’s against gender equality and is a form of power imbalance and thus a form of violence against women.) And why would you do this horrible thing to vulnerable people?”

It was the shame that changed behavior.

Which is exactly what the Swedish laws on prostitution aimed to do: change behaviors. Lawmakers set out to change the way men see women. Better yet, they changed the filter in which women are viewed.

Core of the Problem

I always thought feminism was about standing up to patriarchy, standing up to men’s entitlement. Legalizing or fully decriminalizing prostitution does not do either of those things. Adopting the Swedish model of law does. It’s the true feminist embodiment of gender equality and is the step Canada must take.

All the systemic reasons women get involved in prostitution are not in fact the core reason. The core–the heart of prostitution–is because of gender inequality. I have to wonder: What other forms of inequality can we end by starting with saying our women and girls are not for sale?

Check out these interesting articles on Swedish society, gender equality and the Nordic model of Prostitution Law:

In Sweden, Men Can Have It All, The New York Times

About Trisha
Trisha Baptie is Executive Director of Honour Consulting and founding member of EVE (formerly Exploited Voices now Educating). In 2008 she won BC’s Courage to Come Back Award for her bravery in transitioning to a healthier lifestyle, for giving the murdered women of Vancouver a voice through her trial coverage of Vancouver’s serial killer and for her ongoing activism. Follow Trisha’s tweets at @trisha_baptie or friend her on facebook. She recently founded EVE (formerly Exploited Voices Now Educating.)

Getting Real with Trisha: On Laughing

I think if you’ve glimpsed at, resided in and intimately known well some forms of hell on earth, laughter … laughing, is a balm for the wounds that seep in deep.

By Trisha Baptie | Twitter: @trisha_baptie

Quite possibly my fave activity is …  laughing.

For me it feels like the most natural thing to do, like breathing. It’s involuntary and a requirement for living and an excellent window into how I am doing that day, in a situation, in general. I notice if I don’t do it, my heart feels heavy, my mouth feels like it’s lacking some form of exercise. My soul–well, my soul feels like a chocolate cake without cocoa. Which is to say it’s no longer a chocolate cake; it’s not what it should be.

Healing Powers

I think if you’ve glimpsed at, resided in and intimately known well some forms of hell on earth, laughter … laughing, is a balm for the wounds that seep in deep.

I don’t mean cheap laughter; I’m not a cheap laughs kinda gal.

I also don’t mean the raunchy humor that is so prolific nowadays, based on sex, degradation of women or someone being stoned. That is cheap humor; knock- off humor that has no substance. No depth. No lasting benefit.

Oh, but to sit at a table with friends, loved ones, allies and have a laugh that is truly a under-appreciated form of therapy, a form of bonding that grows deep roots. For me, having the same sense of humor as someone can make or break a relationship.

I am a huge fan of political humor. Think Colbert and Rick Mercer.

I love humor that pokes fun at pop culture:

It’s hard to find a stand-up comedian to just sit and veg to. So many rely on cuss words as the main dish, rather than a condiment to be peppered on lightly, if at all. I truly enjoy Canada’s own Russell Peters, although as of late the way he peppers his shows with porn references as if that were normal and OK, gets my back up. But if you’re a child with immigrant parent(s) that beat you (my hand goes up), there is no one funnier to describe it.

Is it right?

Nope, not saying that.

But there is a feeling of being understood, identifying with something larger than you when you can hear someone share similar experiences and laugh.

We live in a world that can threaten to swallow us mind, body and soul whole. To me, laughter stops that from happening. Laughter is like kryptonite against the worst form of apathy.

Now I am not talking about laughing AT people. Well, maybe but only when appropriate ;0)

But laughter that comes from your pinky toe and follows your soul straight outta yo’ mouth. Now that … that … is living.

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What about you?

• What makes you laugh?
• When was the last time you had a good belly rip with a friend?

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About Trisha
Trisha Baptie is Executive Director of Honour Consulting and founding member of EVE (formerly Exploited Voices now Educating). In 2008 she won BC’s Courage to Come Back Award for her bravery in transitioning to a healthier lifestyle, for giving the murdered women of Vancouver a voice through her trial coverage of Vancouver’s serial killer and for her ongoing activism. Follow Trisha’s tweets at @trisha_baptie or friend her on facebook. She recently founded EVE (formerly Exploited Voices Now Educating.)

Image credit: LAUGHING GIRL © Ashleigh Ravenall | Dreamstime.com

Women’s Worlds 2011

Advocating for equality as a unified voice at the International Women’s World Conference held in Ottawa

By Trisha Baptie | Twitter: @trisha_baptie
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There’s a funny rumor going around that it is summer. For those of us living in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia, it is easy to understand why this seems like a cruel joke. After just getting back from Ottawa, I can tell you: I appreciate it!

Why would anyone go to Ottawa the first week of July, with that gosh dang horrible humidity? To hang out with 2,000 other women from 92 different countries is why! I was at the International Women’s World conference . I will warn you now this article is saturated with hyperlinks. I would encourage you to have a look at all of them–there’s a wealth of knowledge in them.

I think award-winning throat singer Tanya Tagaq said it best in the opening ceremony: “I was wondering if I was nervous or if I was exhilarated because I feel so safe. I am safe here with you guys right now” (WATCH THIS: Her singing at the end is nothing short of otherworldly beauty; in video at 1:50min)

Safe.

Here, with you women. Safe, because of who is not here.

Men.

Not a judgement, a truth. A lived reality. Listen to the story she tells in the video. Safe was not something I felt often, and it became the common theme of the conference.

I have taught my son it’s about perspective. When he and his friends are at a bus stop and there is a girl walking toward them–even if he knows he would not harm her, nor would his friends–she does not. She is taught from birth that groups of men are dangerous. So my son and his friends create a safe world by moving back from where she has to walk. Always look at her perspective, I tell him.

May my son be a man who lives life profoundly aware of the space he takes up in the world and what he can do to make women feel safer in it.

A friend and ally Erin Graham submitted a panel discussion that was accepted (Title: From Harm Reduction To Liberation: Feminist Alternatives) so I was a part of that amazing panel, as well as being a part again ( I was a part of the first Fleshmapping in 2008) for three days of the amazing dialogue that happened around the table with global women leaders like Sigma Huda, Lee Lakeman, the feisty and funny Youngsook Cho from Korea. There was wise and passionately anti-militarization Suzuyo Takazato from Okinawa, Teresa Ulloa Ziaurriz from Mexico and Clorinde Zéphir from Haiti. The list is a veritable who’s who of global feminists who have made lasting impacts and contributions to women’s equality and naming and challenging patriarchy.

What did I learn?

This struggle is a global struggle with solutions that look different from region to region but also looks similar globally.

Somehow, some way, men actually have to be held accountable for their actions.

Women are beautifully resilient. No matter what our circumstances, we can truly bring out the best in each other.

What killed me to learn (although it wasn’t a totally new analysis) was that the church/religion is patriarchy’s greatest weapon and is used globally to oppress, marginalize and undermine women’s equality. This was sad for me to hear. In fact, it is my biggest struggle right now.

How do I undo my love for God, for Jesus, from the tyranny of patriarchy?

I am made in God’s image, so why would men use the God who made me, to oppress, saying women are less than them? A brilliant woman from Africa also said about the Church (church, Christians, Catholics, Missionaries, etc are all all referred to as the big “C” Church): We do not want your stuff (meaning the things westerners take to Africa to give out). We want you to come here, empower US, listen to US and OUR ways of doing things. Stand beside US and CHANGE things.

Isn’t that what God wants us to do? Fight powers and principalities? Shouldn’t we just stop doing business with warlords, er, diamond sellers until they are produced ethically? I say this as an Apple user; shouldn’t we not buy new electronic gadgets until the minerals needed for them can be mined safely?

I know, I know, I’m simple, seems to make sense though.

Of course it’s that whole Western world standard of living and comfort thing, not rocking the boat and Capitalism being the ultimate destroyer of not only our earth but of human rights and our responsibilities to one another thing.

My God, what has happened to your message of love? To love our neighbours as ourselves?
Some of my dear friends–allies and women I have learned many wise things from–would say until we abolish religion we will never have freedom. The big “we.” Humanity “we.”

I agree.

BUT we must keep faith.

Keep relationship with Creator. I often ponder how do we mere mortals tell the story of a God so loving, so compassionate, so kind? How do we explain that it is not God that does these atrocities but rather man (man as in humanity here, not just men), we all have free will, we demand it. How someone uses that though can have dire lifelong or life taking consequences for another, but that is not God.

I’ve said to God, “Uh, I’m not one to tell you what to do, but I am fairly sure we are some of the worst PR people you could have created”. But then, I hear beautiful stories that come out of the rubble DEMANDING to be heard, and I hear Jesus. In the words of Arundhati Roy:

‎“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day I can hear her breathing.”

I think women will lead change, for we look at the world very differently. Women have suffered since the beginning of time under patriarchy and you cannot tell me that was God’s divine plan. Women (or at least this one, and most feminists I know) do not want to rule, do not want to switch places with our oppressors. We want equality.

Simply put: we want to feel safe with men in the room.
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About Trisha
Trisha Baptie is Executive Director of Honour Consulting and founding member of EVE (formerly Exploited Voices now Educating). In 2008 she won BC’s Courage to Come Back Award for her bravery in transitioning to a healthier lifestyle, for giving the murdered women of Vancouver a voice through her trial coverage of Vancouver’s serial killer and for her ongoing activism. Follow Trisha’s tweets at @trisha_baptie or friend her on facebook. She recently founded EVE (formerly Exploited Voices Now Educating.)

The Constitutional Challenge on Canada’s Prostitution Laws & the Strength of Women

On strong women, returning to my Ground Zero and experiencing the world through my son’s eyes.

By Trisha Baptie | Twitter: @trisha_baptie

My word of the day?

Shattered.

I have been home from Toronto for a day now. Last Thursday I sat in the Ontario Court of Appeal to hear Prof. Janine Benedet give what can be called nothing less than a spectacular and information-rich argument to the judges, while sitting beside the heads of some of the brightest women’s equality-seeking groups in Canada.

This Charter Challenge is the result of three women who say they choose to work in the sex industry and Canada’s laws impede their ability to create “safer” working environments. They want certain laws relating to prostitution struck down.

I say it was never the laws that beat, raped and killed me and my friends; it was the men. It was never the location we were in that was unsafe; it was the man we were in that location with, that was unsafe. I do agree the laws need to change, but they need to make men more accountable for their abusive behavior.

So, last Friday I was able to ally with some personal heroes of mine: Timea Nagy, Kat MacLeod and the passionate Shae Invidiata and we held a press conference on the front steps of the courthouse and spoke our truth, as well as the truth of many women.

Here’s what some of the press reported:

• CTV: Judges now deciding constitutionality of prostitution laws
• Vancouver Sun: Ontario court won’t change prostitution laws yet

Through his eyes

I brought my middle son with me on this trip. He was done high school and I wanted to be a bit of a tourist this time in the city, so needed a partner to do things with. He was amazing. I worked hard the first two days and he is so supportive in his little ways.

He joined us at the press conference and while there are a thousand stories I can tell you from that day, the one I want to share is about me looking up at my boy, my son, my young man, sitting on the bench with all the gear around him–we were filming for a documentary I am a part of–the women’s purses and just, well, stuff.

He was there fidgeting on some electronic device and I was caught off-guard seeing him chatting away to a wisp of a woman, a woman with long, thick flowing hair. I recognized her right away; my boy did not.

So I stood there and watched him chat to Valerie Scott. For those who don’t know her, she is one of the three women who launched the charter challenge.

I watched them talk, and I was reminded the day before when I chatted with Nikki Thomas the new Executive Director of Sex Professionals of Canada (SPOC). (I had met her on my previous trip to Toronto when I debated her for a district-wide high school conference.) She’s got a cute li’l lisp, is smart and is clearly on the wrong side of this debate, but I realized as I hugged her goodbye out front of the courthouse and watched Valerie chat with my son, we are all women.

Strong women at that.

As I moseyed over to my son and chatted to Valerie about the pros and cons of his device, we introduced ourselves. As my son sat there still completely unaware of what was transpiring around him, his naiveté reminded me that we are not enemies. I wish no one on their “side” ill-will. In fact, I am doing what I do for them as well.

For me it was a profound moment … a moment to step back from the rhetoric and remind myself how all of us have our own stories, a story that got us to where we are and propels us forward in doing what we do.

I was also reminded though that abolition will win, because we have truth on our side … and we are right

So why “shattered,” though?

-I sat in the coutroom listening to the arguments from other interveners and it was hard to sit through the lies of their arguments. I cannot quote them verbatim and I am not comfortable sharing too much, but suffice to say they were the most convoluted arguments I have ever heard.

-It was hard to go back to that place of remembering the individual acts as lawyers talk about it as though it should just be common place.

-Shattered spiritually, as Toronto was hard, but there were many blessings, like seeing Niagara Falls … what an amazing experience!

-I also went back to a place I said I would never go back to, which is Robert Pickton’s farm. My ground zero.

I went to see some dear friends with Walk4Justice off as they walk across Canada for the SECOND time to raise awareness of Canada’s epidemic of murdered and missing predominantly aboriginal women and girls.

-I am shattered by God’s bigness, by his smallness, by his perfect timing, and those moments you just have to decide to trust.

-I am shattered on every level–and I don’t mean broken and can’t fix it, like a vase–I mean shattered like Creator can put every piece back together as only he can.

-I’m exhausted. But a delicious exhausted as you can look back and see concrete results.

I’m home for a few days and then it’s off to Ottawa for the International Women’s World Conference and I am SUPER excited about that. Then it’s home for the summer and maybe we can start to walk through these two events in depth.

Update on the court case: We will get a judgment–some are predicting in October, but it’s anyone’s guess, really, and it’s almost a guarantee it will go to Supreme Court.

About Trisha
Trisha Baptie is Executive Director of Honour Consulting and founding member of EVE (formerly Exploited Voices now Educating). In 2008 she won BC’s Courage to Come Back Award for her bravery in transitioning to a healthier lifestyle, for giving the murdered women of Vancouver a voice through her trial coverage of Vancouver’s serial killer and for her ongoing activism. Follow Trisha’s tweets at @trisha_baptie or friend her on facebook. She recently founded EVE (formerly Exploited Voices Now Educating.)

Summertime below the Poverty Line

On bus fare, cream soda slurpees and surviving the summer.

By Trisha Baptie | Twitter: @trisha_baptie

Summer is upon us and while I’m happy to embrace my flipflops, get sticky and skin-safe with sun lotion and dust off the ole’ picnic bag, I am also aware–especially in my neighbourhood–of the panic and extra stress summer can bring for those in the low income demographic.

I will always talk about the poor in the first person narrative as this is my perspective. I am not trying to be a downer; it’s just that when I look out my front door, go to my kids’ school and try to live my life, this is the perspective I have. I think I should also define what I mean by poor.

Here’s a guide for what qualifies as the “poverty line”: http://www.ccsd.ca/factsheets/fs_lic01.htm I actually live on an amount a great deal less than that, as do a good portion of my neighbours and most of us have kids. I won’t give you exact figures (I’m not looking to have a pity party, it’s just the truth) but I have shown Idelette my tax assessment, so she can vouch for me.

So, for a lot of my peeps summer is a HUGE expense. We have a hot lunch program at my school,  so for families it now means they have to provide an extra meal a day … What do you do with all those extra summer days?

If your kids are too old for daycare and you’re working, they tend to roam the neighbourhood. If your kids are little, how do you occupy them? Remembering a single parent on income assistance gets less than $1,000 a month for shelter, food, clothing, hydro, phone, internet … everything (http://www.mhr.gov.bc.ca/mhr/ia.htm ) and also gets a monthly family bonus.

How do you plan a trip to, well, anywhere that you can’t walk as bus fare for one mom &   2 kids is $6 each way–and that’s one zone! That’s a huge expense when your budget is skint.

Those fun extras

As a mom it also kills you when you have to keep saying no to the fun extras every parent wants to give their kids, like slurpees and ice cream cones. If you can’t afford bus fare out of your neighbourhood, how the heck do you plan a family “vacation” or say yes to an impromptu slurpee?

There are some fantastic camps that provide a week away for inner city kids, so they can explore a real forest, rather than just the concrete jungle, but all the other days add up to a whole lot of time for mischief-making.

Wanna know when most kids try drugs, petty crime, or get involved in “gangs” for the first time? Summer, out of sheer boredom. Can I prove this?

Nope.

Hang in the ‘hood, though, and you’ll see it.

At a time when the social safety net is suffering the erosion from a million little cuts, we must realize that cutting any program that helps kids is essentially guaranteeing their failure; cutting programs that help their parents be better parents is also failing them.

Do we want to pay now for amazing programs that provides a break from their stark reality, open their minds to new possibilities and open their hearts to new passions, or do we want to pay for them in 15 years when they need treatment centres, jails, or are now themselves on income assistance?

Trust me, we all pay for each other. I guess the question is do we want to empower a life, or have a hired guard to turn the key daily on the door to remind them of failure?

Summer is a fun, beautiful, alive time, but for single parents it can be a gut-wrenching time of “What are they up to while I’m at work?” Or while the parent is at the required job placement program ordered by social assistance. Am I saying single parents shouldn’t work? No.

But we must acknowledge how thin parents as spread, we must stop the whole “You choose to have ‘em, you deal with ‘em” mentality and support, come alongside, empower and leave the lectures at home. Yup. One of my neighbours has seven kids; my good friend has six. Asking “Why?” or “How could you?” does not help them feed their little people or encourage relationship. Saying: “Here’s a gift card for 7-Eleven slurpees and a book of bus tickets. You all go to the beach,” says, I am in this with you and I value all you are trying to do.

Maybe this summer Jesus is saying “I love you” through a nice, cold, cream soda slurpee.

About Trisha
Trisha Baptie is Executive Director of Honour Consulting and founding member of EVE (formerly Exploited Voices now Educating). In 2008 she won BC’s Courage to Come Back Award for her bravery in transitioning to a healthier lifestyle, for giving the murdered women of Vancouver a voice through her trial coverage of Vancouver’s serial killer and for her ongoing activism. Follow Trisha’s tweets at @trisha_baptie or friend her on facebook. She recently founded EVE (formerly Exploited Voices Now Educating.)

Four Tomatoes or a Bag of Chips? Secrets of the Woman in my Mirror

On judgments, assumptions, ideals of beauty and building my sense of self on a rock.

By Trisha Baptie | Twitter: @trisha_baptie

I’m going to share a secret with you. You may know this already. It’s one I get judged for all the time and a secret that is steeped in snap judgements and affects my life daily. (In fact, it’s a conversation happening on my Facebook wall right now.)

The big secret?

I. am. fat.

I KNOW!

Pick-your-jaw-up-off-the-ground-shocking, right?

Being a former prostitute does not help in any way.

As I take to the stage or people see a pic of me for the first time, I know the first question in some people’s minds: “Did she look like that when she worked?

Or: “Did she make money looking like that?”

Which is sad. Can we see just how commodified women as a gender are that the question keeps creeping up in people’s minds?

Just the Way I Am

It’s OK. Really I don’t mind. Really. Because I get to wake up every day knowing a deep, deep truth, Jesus loves me EXACTLY the way I am. I have had this vid on repeat for days now: 

How freeing is it? How affirming?

I am not a fat person who is secretly sad inside. There’s no skinny person in me trying to get out. In fact, I was thin for a good portion of my life.

I have never felt better about myself. I no longer smoke, do drugs, drink excessively, engage in unhealthy sexual behaviour, or find my self-worth in others’ feedback.

My truth of who I am is built on a rock, not sand. I’m not swayed by mean comments concealed in “concern.”

“Don’t you want to feel better, healthier?”

You’re making a huge assumption I don’t already feel good and healthy.

The barrage

These are huge assumptions made solely on appearance–assumptions that discriminate as we are reminded every minute of every day by every form of media everywhere we look that we must pluck, wax, enhance here, but decrease there, learn how to walk on elongated toothpicks, have busts that are lifted and separated, butts that are big but in exactly the right way, that stick out but not wide. No hair on our upper lips or chins, but eyelashes that are long and lush. It is a never-ending barrage of standards that are unobtainable and based solely in consumerism, capitalism and patriarchy.

Women’s insecurity is HUGE business; it encompasses the cosmetics industry, diet industry, plastic surgery industry, fashion industry, etc.

And now it includes our BC government, which has rubbed me the wrong way to no end. See this story.

It is becoming more and more OK to judge people of size, based solely on appearance and, in fact, many find it OK to speak aloud those judgements. As if somehow I and others are unaware of what we see in the mirror. (But just so we are clear: I see a fine diva in mine). As if somehow–based entirely on my appearance–you may judge my health.

In the name of trying to save healthcare dollars that will be spent on “obesity-related diseases,” we belittle, name-call, judge and try to shame people into a different body.

Work out?

The Government’s announcement assumes that people of a thicker size don’t work out, participate in physical programs or know how to eat.
I mean, what single mom has an extra hour, three times a week to work out?

Does she even have childcare? Can her budget allow for trips to the grocery store every few days to buy fresh?

I work out.

In fact I have never driven. I’ve taken transit my whole life, so I walk daily. I can carry $132 worth of groceries for 25mins to get them home. That’s gotta count for some kinda workout. ; )

We have to remember thin can be just as unhealthy. Anorexia and bulimia are rampant and a huge health concern and cost plenty in health care dollars.

The cost of a tomato

Poverty can be a huge contributor and we must look at that.

According to The Globe and Mail, in rural places, four tomatoes can cost over $8. A bag of chips? $5. You got multiple kids to feed–what are you going to buy? Single parents on income assistance and the working poor have a daily balancing game of providing the basics, so cheap food it is. And cheap food is carb- and sugar-heavy.

Have you ever tried cooking a healthy meal with food bank food?
Have you ever been out with your kids, ran outta snacks and have a choice between a $5 6-inch sub or $6.50 for three cheeseburgers and everyone gets fed?

Do you pick one kid to feed well, or do you feed everyone?

What’s my point?

Could we please stop the instant judging in the name of “health?” Could we see ourselves beautiful like here and here. Could we just stop buying into some predetermined (predominantly patriarchal and misogynistic) ideals of beauty, health and acceptability?

Yes, obesity will cost us health dollars; so does anorexia and bulimia. So does the ordinary joe who gets alcohol poisoning on the weekend. So does overdoses by people who use drugs recreationally on weekends.

We ALL make choices that affect our health and will probably bring us in contact with the medical community at some point in our lives. Could we just please STOP picking on those we have deemed the easiest to judge by hiding fat-intolerance behind the veneer of “concern for one’s health.”

Questions:
-Who do you see when you look in the mirror?
-Do you judge people based on appearance?

About Trisha
Trisha Baptie is Executive Director of Honour Consulting and founding member of EVE (formerly Exploited Voices now Educating). In 2008 she won BC’s Courage to Come Back Award for her bravery in transitioning to a healthier lifestyle, for giving the murdered women of Vancouver a voice through her trial coverage of Vancouver’s serial killer and for her ongoing activism. Follow Trisha’s tweets at @trisha_baptie or friend her on facebook. She recently founded EVE (formerly Exploited Voices Now Educating.)

Trisha’s Room

“That a woman or girl will sleep in a bed in a room named after someone who 12 years ago was an absolute disaster, to me, is a great reminder of hope …”

By Trisha Baptie | Twitter: @trisha_baptie

There’s currently a highly concerning project being undertaken on the Downtown Eastside to house vulnerable homeless girls in an SRO (Single Room Occupancy) near Oppenheimer Park that will have one “house mom” for 18 young women. You will hear more on this later and how you can get engaged. Meanwhile, there is lots to talk about, but what I will use my space for today is share about a different kind of room for women and girls.

Last week I was in Ontario do to some things and I must be vague on some of the details for security sake, but I got to present to some of my favourite people (youth!) and then got to spend a few days having downtime with friends and other members of EVE.

One of the places I got to stay in was “Trisha’s Room.” Seriously!

Home for Victims

My friend, a survivor herself–and one I am so proud of–has opened up an emergency short-term house for victims of human trafficking. Instead of being taken to an institution-like place or perhaps a place not exactly suited for them, they will go to this beautiful house my friends have created to welcome them in so they know they are loved and safe.

For practical reasons they named the rooms, and one was christened: Trisha’s room.

What do you say to that? I did what I usually do when I am moved, honoured and amazed: I cried.

Lots.

What do you say to survivors who have pulled from the core of their being the strength to create a space that welcomes other women and surrounds them in safety, peace and rest? Usually once a woman has left the abusive space all she wants to do is sleep, and I’m not one to brag but my room is gorgeous! I cannot share pics of it, but I can show you the door!

Peace in this house

As the first person to spend the night in that room, in that quiet place I prayed that God would watch over all who came. That God would instill peace through the whole house. I prayed all women in the house would feel God’s healing.

If they had just come from hell on earth, I wanted them to be coming into a feeling of heaven on earth.

I’ve been reading Rob Bell’s Love Wins (I think everyone should read it!) and I matured spiritually under Steve Stewart who always said: “Life is about pulling heaven down”–that the Lord’s Prayer is a here and now prayer. “Your kingdom come on earth as is it in heaven.”

So, Lord, let this house be a heaven.

And for me, who is a big picture gal, fighting systems and principalities, I find it is in those quiet moments, those simple moments, that I am rejuvenated and reminded just Who holds us all in His hands.

How great is life when women who have been abandoned, rejected and labeled by society, come together and try to change the world, one person at a time. (As Heidi Baker says: “Stop for the one in front of you.”) These survivors have created a space we all would have liked to be available to us as we transitioned into a healthier life, free from exploitation, violence, rape and other injustices.

That a woman or girl will sleep in a bed in a room named after someone who 12 years ago was an absolute disaster, to me, is a great reminder of hope … A reminder of what can happen when the cross is applied and a reminder of who is truly in control.

About Trisha
Trisha Baptie is Executive Director of Honour Consulting and founding member of EVE (formerly Exploited Voices now Educating). In 2008 she won BC’s Courage to Come Back Award for her bravery in transitioning to a healthier lifestyle, for giving the murdered women of Vancouver a voice through her trial coverage of Vancouver’s serial killer and for her ongoing activism. Follow Trisha’s tweets at @trisha_baptie or friend her on facebook. She recently founded EVE (formerly Exploited Voices Now Educating.)

Getting Real, with Trisha Baptie

Getting to know each other + two things my life is based on + rewiring my brain + pools of humility

By Trisha Baptie | Twitter: @trisha_baptie

Well, hello!

Not sure if you know, but we are about to embark on a committed relationship here. Let me be clear, I am phobic of committed relationships. But I love Idelette and I love bringing attention to issues I am passionate about and I am always happy to talk in a vernacular of faith amongst sisters of faith.

Some of you may know a bit about me, some may not, but if we are about to start a relationship, I suppose I should tell you a few things about me, my faith and what makes me tick.

About me.

I am loud, opinionated, passionate about loving and living well and aware I fail at that daily. I encourage fun, pray for grace and think my faith is always under construction. My life is based on two things: one a truth–Jesus loves me ; and one thing he said–take care of the poor, widows and orphans.

My pastor who taught me all I know (actually VeggieTales did, but don’t tell him that) said the modern-day widows are single moms. I agree.

He also said the modern day orphans are all the children of this fatherless generation. Two outta my three kids fit that category. I agree.

Continue reading…

Loving My Neighbour: Gritty Stuff

Loving God does not say the rest of my life will be safe, my kids will be safe and I will always have what I need. To me loving God, pursuing him, means strap in and hold on: it’s going to be a wild ride and he will be beside me in it all.

By Trisha Baptie

Last night I got to walk out a slightly grittier and urbanized version of the Good Samaritan.

While at a neighbour’s house–down in the alley–we heard two men yelling. One man was hitting and assaulting the other. A 911-call was our immediate answer, while I yelled out the window: “Are you OK?” Partially letting them know they were being watched and also to make sure this was an actual assault; not play fighting.

It was definitely an assault.

What happened
One guy walked away into the townhouse complex while the other was left on the ground. It was bitter cold last night and, I am ashamed to say, part of me sat glued in the house because I didn’t want to disturb my own comfort. My girlfriend was still on the phone with 911 when suddenly the guy came back, stood right over the man on the ground and sprayed something in his face. The screams that ensued were horrible to listen to. He had obviously just been maced (pepper sprayed) and was desperately screaming for help. I went to go jump out the window and help him and my friend said: “No! What if he comes back?! What if someone is behind the bush?”

I love my friend and her concern for my safety. Truly I do. I couldn’t sit there and listen, though. In split-second-thinking the following ran through my head:

How can I leave him alone? Does God want me to help him? God, you got my back right? Oh God, he’s alone, I have to go be with him! I’m Trisha. I’m pretty tough. I’ll be safe. God, here we go! God where does it say loving you is safe?

The Day I Cried for Help and No One Answered
The other thought that ran through my head was of me, years ago, standing outside my house after my ex had kicked his way into my house, right through a restraining order, broke the phone as my precious baby lay in a laundry basket full of clean laundry.

He was high, and angry and I had no way to call the police. I ran outside screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to help. Someone call the police. Someone HELP!

I couldn’t let him scream alone, because I knew the feeling. It’s a feeling that means I have to make sure no one else feels like that.

I scampered across the street and the smell of pepper spray was overwhelming. His eyes were swollen and his cries for help earnest.

In the Alley of Milk & Pepper Spray
There’s an urban legend that you pour milk on eyes that have been pepper-sprayed. So I sent my son who had come out back into our house to get a gallon of milk. For the next 15-20 minutes I poured the milk over his eyes as he sobbed.

The police arrived, assessed the situation and had to do a kick-in on the house where the man was who did this. MUCH, much more happened but that’s the bare-bones version.

There was another neighbour who came out who was also on the phone to the police while I was pouring milk on his eyes. That neighbour said “Why are you here? Go to your house.”

I was stunned. He needs help. Why … HOW can I sit at home and not do what God calls me–us–to do? Love our neighbours.

Does loving my neighbour mean putting my own safety aside? For me it occasionally (often, really) does.

The police looked at me and said: “Who are you?”

I explained. They were not impressed and questioned why I was there. Have we really gotten to a place where helping a victim is shunned?

Danger at Close Range
While there with the police (who made not one overture to help this man other than call an ambulance), I picked up the man’s sweater to give him a wipe of his face. A wrapper for a needle dropped out. I looked at the officer who cocked his eyebrow and looked at the man’s hands which had blood on them from a deep cut. Little nerve-wracking in this day and age of HIV.

The question I am pondering is: “Are all these possible threats to our safety a way for the enemy to stop us from doing what we are called to, which is Love our Neighbour?”

Was it unsafe for me to go over there in the first place? Yes.
Was it risky to stay there and help him? Yes.
Was it a little scary? Yes.
Was I a little scared about the possible blood contact? Absolutely.
Was I cold, wet, uncomfortable and my asthma flaring up because of the pepper spray smell he had on him? Yes to all.
Am I commanded to take care of the injured and would I want someone to do the same for me? Without a doubt, absolutely.

I’m not sure God ever promises life will be safe. I think we construct our lives to resemble something we think loving God includes –like safety- but perhaps what they actually are, might be barriers to doing what God wants us to do.

Barriers to Seeing Need?
People have burglar alarms and car alarms; buy houses in “nice” neighbourhoods and secured buildings. How much do those very things separate us from “other” people who cannot acquire the same things (usually for financial reasons) and get in our way of seeing need?

Putting our safety, our comfort, our well-being first, heeding all the warnings (or fear-mongering) that stops us from being the practical hands and feet of Jesus … are these counterproductive when we are meant to step outside ourselves and help the traveler at the side of the road?

For me God does not say the rest of my life will be safe, my kids will be safe and I will always have what I need. To me loving God, pursuing him, means strap in and hold on: it’s going to be a wild ride and he will be beside me in it all.

My safety? Well that’s always in question.

Two days later …

At 9pm, two days later, while tucked into great conversation with a good friend, there was a knock on my door. I poked my head out the window to look down to see who was there. I was greeted by the sight of a gallon of milk being held up by a young man with a huge grin. I laughed out loud and knew who it was immediately. I ran downstairs, accepting the offering of replacement milk. I asked how he was; what happened to him after I left? He said the assailant was arrested and charged with assault with a weapon and he was now doing well.

Then he looked me in the eye and said: “I have never hurt like that. That was the most painful thing I have ever felt. Thanks … Thanks for staying with me.” 

What do you say to that other than: ” No problem, glad I could help.”

And, “Thanks for the milk!” 

About Trisha:

Trisha Baptie is Executive Director of Honour Consulting and founding member of EVE (formerly Exploited Voices now Educating). In 2008 she won BC’s Courage to Come Back Award for her bravery in transitioning to a healthier lifestyle, for giving the murdered women of Vancouver a voice through her trial coverage of Vancouver’s serial killer and for her ongoing activism. Follow Trisha’s tweets at @trisha_baptie or friend her on facebook.