Standing on God’s Promises

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By Renee Korah*

“Sometimes I don’t know what it means to trust God. And sometimes I’m still, standing on His word, trusting God in prayer and with my tears and fears.”

Standing-on-Gods-promisesI want to run. Run in fear.

This is my operation mode.

My mind begins to race and my heart begins to pound. The anxiety I create, from both founded and unfounded fears, overwhelms me, breaks me and brings me to my knees.

I’m pleading and crying, afraid I may never find healing and reconciliation. Desperate cries and lamentations pour out.

Several months ago, I experienced a devastating mental health crisis. I’m still trying to understand what happened to me.

You don’t exactly walk into the women’s bible study at church and tell them you’re suffering from overwhelming stress, psychoses, and delusions—especially when you’re the women’s bible study leader.

And you don’t just walk into the church’s prayer ministry and make a mental health prayer request known either—especially when you lead that ministry.

I’m a woman volunteering in ministry and suffering from severe mental health and hormonal issues. I think.

I can’t figure it out. I’m up. I’m down. I’m loving God. I’m afraid to trust people. Sometimes I don’t know what it means to trust God. And sometimes I’m still, standing on God’s word, trusting God in prayer and with my tears and fears.

And then there are many times when I feel terribly alone and deep in despair, even at church. Safe spaces, places, and people—where can these be found? Who can I pour out my fears and tears to? Who will be invested enough to love and care for me in this time?

Women who break a foot or give birth have meals delivered to them and receive pastoral visits. But a devastating mental health diagnosis? I’m on my own.

I’ve tried reaching out. No response. Just silence and distance.

All I can do is pray, hope and continue to stand in an anchored place of faith and patience. A place where love flows from His hands and my hope is in Him, where I know that I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine. A place where I love God and seek God, lean on His mercies and trust in His care.

Sometimes I’m all torn up and afraid, running through the valley like a petrified child, arms flailing in the dark, ignorantly fearful of my own shadow under the dim moonlight. Fearing instead of trusting. Running when I’m commanded to stand.

And yet when I fall on bended knee and cry out hot tears, steamed-up glasses resting on the bridge of my nose, praying in desperation, my life feels undone.

I’m kneeling over my bed, grasping at my bed sheet, head in hands, praying in faith and I’m no longer who I was. I’ve changed.

My faith is about holding on for dear life.

Faith in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Faith in Jesus’ poured out body, broken for me and you. Faith in His life and resurrection. Faith that Christ, the Creator redeems us and renews all things.

I hold my hope in His coming Kingdom. I will not always suffer in this mind, with these thoughts. My hope is in my Redeemer, that I may have new life in Him. That He is redeeming all things, even now, even me.

I hope on God’s promises.

He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands (Psalm 91:11,12, NIV). He is faithful. He will bring about His purposes for good. -Romans 8:28

God, please, show me how any of this is good?

I have to remember and hold onto God’s truths.

I have to remember who God is and what God has done for me.

I have to turn my eyes, mind, heart, and put my hope and trust in Jesus and the gospel.

This is faith.

In the everyday and the unknown and the overwhelming thoughts, I do believe Jesus is with me. In moments of lamentations and prayers, I believe. That’s how I keep holding on, in obedience, in prayer, with faith in this Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

The Lord watches over me. My help comes from the Maker of heaven and earth.

a pseudonym

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About Renee:

Renee is married with kids. She enjoys reading, writing, camping, travelling, and good conversation.

 

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