The Story of Enough

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“Oh, the stories I told myself. Stories of my unworthiness, my smallness, and my shame.”

By Desiree Adaway | Twitter @desireeadaway

I have a simple truth I want to share. 

I have lived the majority of my life from a place of scarcity. Deep and dark scarcity. A place of deep fear and shame.

  • I was never good enough.
  • I was never perfect enough.
  • I was never thin enough.
  • I was never safe enough.
  • I was never special enough.

My twenties were nothing short of hell on earth.

Oh, the stories I told myself. I fondled, stroked and wrapped myself in them, one after another. Stories of my unworthiness, my smallness, and my shame. And each time I told them, I believed them that much more. These stories led to bad decision-making and shame-filled choices. I went down some scary roads and, as a result, I faced some harsh truths.

  • There was never enough food or alcohol.
  • There was never enough accolades.
  • There was never enough success.
  • There was never enough security.
  • There was never enough men.
  • There was never enough money.

There was never enough of anything.

Not enough joy, or peace, or laughter or hope. There damn sure was never enough happiness. I fell short again and again and again.

There was never enough love and I was never satiated.

Never.

The beast that lived inside of me had to be fed and honestly, I needed more love and attention than all the Khardashians combined. My theory was such: If enough people loved me, I would stop craving love. If I had all these other things, this other STUFF, than the deep lack I saw every day in my soul could be hidden from others.

I Once Was Lost

Then I found something amazing. I found grace.

Grace, defined, is unmerited divine assistance. It’s when the hand of God touches your heart, the one that feels unloved and unlovable, and heals it.  It was this gentle touch that told me something greater would love me until I could love myself. Grace was a reprieve from the pain and a path to peace. As flawed as I was, God still loved me.

ME.

Then everything became enough.

Grace allowed me to find happiness in chaos and clarity in pain.  It allowed laughter and hope into my life and a peace with my journey unlike any I had ever known.

  • My voice was enough.
  • My desires were enough.
  • My progress was enough.
  • My journey was enough.

I saw God in everyone and, in doing that, I became enough.

_____________________

About Desiree:

Desiree is a consultant, strategist, coach, speaker, storyteller and explorer. She uses her superpowers–her voice, sense of adventure and belief in the transformative power of community–to help organizations design programs that create unrestricted revenue, volunteers and advocates.

You can find out more about her at www.desireeadaway.com, or follow her on Twitter at @desireeadaway

 

 

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