Reclaiming What Was Lost


For whatsoever from one place doth fall,
Is with the tide unto an other brought:
For there is nothing lost, that may be found, if sought.

Edmund Spenser, The Faerie Queene


Lately, life has felt like a tilt-a-whirl.

Do you ever feel like you’re running around with a butterfly net, trying to catch all the pieces of yourself or your life that are falling away, escaping, being left behind?

Little things and big things have slipped away from me. I worry about what I haven’t been able to juggle or keep fully alive, or up to par. These thoughts swirl as life speeds and tilts by.

Like, what happened to that nice set of shoes? I think the closet ate them.

How long since I touched base with that friend or relative? Oh, over a year.

When was the last time I selected words and images for a family journal, something so important to all of us? Not since 2008?! Sigh. 

The details and tasks of life all seem to be eluding my grasp. 

But recently, thankfully, the tilt-a-whirl is bringing some things back around.

We changed churches.

After 18 years in a spot where we’ve felt well cared for, my heart has been feeling so distant from the immediate presence of God–even when I’m very sure of His working in my life. I have felt this way before–lots of head stuff going on, but a hungry heart.

I’ve only been in four major churches/fellowships in my life, but there’s been this tipping back and forth from the more charismatic toward the more mainline or traditional. One could oversimplify to say–the heart and the head.

One day, we were walking past a little white church in our town. I love the gardens there and I walk past nearly every day.

There was a banner, announcing a new Anglican fellowship. I’ve been a bit of a closet Anglican ever since we visited London and loved a service there. Justin and I visited during the evening service that weekend, and instantly felt washed over with the presence of the Spirit of the Lord.

We felt like fish that had been out of water and didn’t know it. In a funny way, this church of traditional liturgy also felt very alive with the Holy Spirit. It’s been lovely going there, and we suddenly feel like our old selves spiritually–like 25 years ago.

I’d been feeling an absence and wondering if it was just me, if I’d gotten too worn with life to ever feel that way again. I can’t explain the difference, and I’ll miss all the truly lovely friends and neighbours at our former church, but this just feels like Presence.

We are circling around in our relationship, too. Rediscovering what it’s like to venture out afield, as a couple, without our sons in tow.

We’re taking long walks, and ferry rides, and looking at stars. Parts of us that had nigh on expired, through conflict and stress and sleepless nights, is waking up and breathing.

We are turning and returning to ourselves and our God. But in a different way. 

It is so good to visit and revisit these places–the tender, new, but very old places. I am feeling back in touch with the Spirit of God, with the heart of my spouse, with Hope. I missed them.

Wishing you so much hope and renewal in whatever place it’s needed–with the birth of this Ancient One, this brand new babe, this Jesus.

Much love to you and yours this Holy Season.


Image courtesy of Anne-Marie Heckt