Clunky Me

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By Olivia Ryan |@Oliviaishere2

M_Olivia

I’ve never been the one with shiny hair, skinny hips, or gorgeous makeup.

I’ve always been slightly off and a little behind. I don’t get the cool kids and I don’t have a “style.” I’m “kinda” good at lots of things. For example, I danced, but was never the most graceful. I sang, but never had the prettiest voice. I acted, but never had the starring role. I was smart, but not smart enough to graduate in the top 10% of my class. I had lots of friends, but never made homecoming court. I’m tall and sporty, but was never a starter.

I lose things. My van is a mess. I’m almost always late and I’m so not domestically gifted. None of my blogs have ever gone viral. And I need naps on lots of days.

When I listen to Satan’s crafty little lies, I start to believe that I’m just clunky me.

But God.

“For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” -Psalm 139:13-14

I’ve read and recited it thousands of times, but it gets me every single time. I wrote it right on my mirror in college when I battled with an eating disorder. I preach it with passion to the high school girls in our youth group when I speak to them about their worth in God’s eyes.

Amazingly, those words have never lost their luster. The voice of God revealed powerfully through scripture picks me up and places me right back where He wants me:

In humility and reverence of His power.

The great I AM knit me together, so who am I to question the wonderful-ness of his workmanship? His hand does not slip. I was not created by accident or so others could look better.

I am me because the God of all made me. He made me a lover. He crafted me to be creative, enthusiastic, spunky, free-spirited, spontaneous and enough. In His brilliant eyes, I’m never “not ______ enough.” And that sets me gloriously free.

When I miscarried our first six biological children, I battled with self-blame. Yet God in His steady, tender voice whispered to me over and over “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”

I took deep breaths and let those healing words sink into my soul and spirit, my “broken” body.

I chose to believe Him. That belief gave me breath when I felt like mine had been sucked away. Whether or not I could ever carry a child to term, I could know that I wasn’t a failure. God didn’t make a mistake; in fact, He had a great purpose intended for those losses and my life.

God intended for a beautiful baby boy to become ours through adoption on Valentine’s Day 2012. Then, he intended to bring our biological daughter into the world 13 months later. Believe it or not, there is another tiny human kicking away at my ribcage as we speak. We serve a God of miracles, a God so worthy of our trust and praise.

God intended for me to start Bearing Hope Support Groups for women hurting through infertility and child loss. He intended for me to share with boldness how he once healed me from a ferocious eating disorder.

“What you intended to harm me, God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done …” -Genesis 50:20

God says I’m so much more than this world tells me I am.

Clunky or not, the creator of the sunsets that take my breath away calls me His, and I call Him mine.

 

Headshot Olivia Ryan.jpgAbout Olivia: I’m a girl who is deeply in love with Jesus, my hunk of a hubby and words, be they sung, preached, written or read. I’m the mama of lots of babies in heaven and three on this side of eternity, and have devoted my life to sharing how hurting women can still “bear hope.” When I’m not working on my book series, “Bearing Hope: Your Inspirational Companion through the Darkness of Infertility, Miscarriage, or Failed Adoption,” I muse and create over at www.livryan.com.

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