When Freedom Beckons You

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By Bri Deutsch

Getting sober was not a trend for me.

I wish it was. I wish I could have easily put down the drink, the food, the men and just gone on my merry way. Gallivanting along as if the havoc I caused others and myself never happened.

But I’ve wrestled with being stuck in addiction for the last three years. I would stop for a few days, only to act out with vengeance. When I acted out, I was angry at God for not answering my prayers for healing. I was resentful towards those around me for not doing what I thought they should do. I was lonely because I wanted to be invited out, even though I would always say no. I was hopeless because I was stuck in a destructive cycle.

It was literally life or death. Death by my own hands.

The self-hatred consumed me and I would continually pray to God, “take me or change me.” I couldn’t handle another day obsessively wondering if some emotionally unavailable man, who wouldn’t and couldn’t commit, would text me to validate my existence. I couldn’t stand another anxiety-ridden night swiping on a dating app, meeting a different stranger with the same qualities, only to get belligerently drunk. I couldn’t stand the bargains I would make with myself to stay sober for the day, only to fall short at nightfall when loneliness beckoned me.

I couldn’t stand how I didn’t want to live.

I longed to experience life. And by life, I mean experience it in the depth of my soul. Life that allows for vast freedom. Life that is rooted in love and life that is supported by joy, regardless of my circumstances. I craved it.

I believe our souls are created to be free. Our souls are not bound to the things that have the shiny facade of liberty but, when we are truly transparent, ultimately destroy us. Work will not free you. Drinking, binge eating and having sex will not free you. Trying harder will not free you. Holding onto the past, while fantasizing about the future, will not free you.

The thing that motivates me in this season is glorious freedom and the desire for those around me to experience it. To let it quench your thirst for worldly things that temporarily satisfy. What will free you is this: the gut-wrenching willingness to pursue freedom.

You need to know that it might get much harder before it gets better. This is going to be a journey of freedom and it won’t be linear, it will have mountains and valleys. I can guarantee you that. But, wherever you are, whatever choice you have made, get back up. Just get back up. Freedom beckons you.

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About Bri:

I am a quirky, compassionate woman who lives in British Columbia, Canada. I like sunrises over sunsets, the feeling of crochet over silk and floor-length windows. I’m a freelance writer for a variety of online platforms and I’m a firm believer in drinking my coffee black and my smoothies, green. I have a passion for deep, thirst-quenching words, raw conversations and looking someone in the eye. You can find more of my work on https://fearlessandboundless.wordpress.com.

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